I hear the clock, it's 6am
I feel so far away from where I've been
Got my eggs, and my pancakes too
Got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off of the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me, and I was meant for you

Called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
Picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
Saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you, oh so bad

Go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book up, and then turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

I still feel like a virgin every time I do it. I put too much thought into it, of the pain, of the fear of pregnancy (with protection, even); of how well I can do it (given my inexperience), and even how badly I will do it. I envy the women who can easily go for so much as a small fuck in a bathroom at some restaurant, or even the ones who can do it in a park.

Not only am I afraid of doing it and being unable to do it, but because I doubt I can ever have a stable relationship because of it. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, yes. Intimacy is what I am capable of. But not sex. And I fear that will be the downfall of my every relationship from now until the future.

http://ri0.tumblr.com

Seven minutes before I've gotta leave for class, so I'm going to try making this pronto. And I'm sure this posting may make some people angry.

God, or whatever shape or form you are, I know you're out there. And I've thought about bonding with you, and well, there are some things that I would like to make clear about myself, that I hope you'll accept about me. Because if you can't love me for who or what I am, regardless of what I have done, I don't think I can have you in my life as sovereign.

1. I'm not a virgin.

Yeah, I know, it sucks. And you're not the only guy who was pissed about the loss of it, but you know, what can I do? I just didn't want to wait around for marriage. (But if it's of any consolation, I lost it at 20 years of age?) And honestly, is divorce not against the religious code, or whatever it is your son preaches? I don't know about you, but I also think that...

2. ...Marriage is pointless.

I've had my fair share of divorce experiences, even though they weren't even mine. I don't blame my mother for giving me a bad example; she was only looking for love (and unfortunately, in all the wrong places.) And I refuse to repeat her same mistakes again. But should a time come up, where I truly believe that I am capable of being marriage to a man that I can see decades of being with, then yes, I'll probably consider it.

3. I believe in abortion.

To an extent though, so don't get me wrong. I know there are 14-year olds out there, humping like rabbits and if one of them happens to get knocked up (purposefully), well, then that is their damn fault and shouldn't deserve that sort of privilege. I know the birth of a baby is your gift and all, but this day in age, it can be a burden; especially when the mother wasn't expecting it. I know throughout the centuries you have seen numerous women who have been raped and gotten pregnant because of it. I just hope you don't condemn them for choosing the abortion method. Because this day in age, we don't have such giving folks who will preach and pray for your good tidings, or offer help in any way shape or form. Wet nurses don't exist anymore, well, for the most part at least. And women DO need to earn a living...

4. I say your name in vain.

Only when I'm pissed, though. Sorry! I'll work on that. I'll say... "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary", orrr... "God nuggets", or "fuck dammit."

5. I don't go to church.

But I think you and I both know we don't require a church to worship you. Which reminds me...

6. ...I don't worship you.

Is that okay? I mean, I do speak to you (not literally, however. I would just think I was crazy if I did that, but I do speak to you in my own special way. Hope you don't mind that), and I am very well aware of your existence (or whatever higher being you are), and I think that is sufficient enough. But if it's wrong of me to not do so, please send me a "heads up."

7. I've broken most of the Commandments by now.

I was thinking about listing them, but I'd figure I put them in one paragraph. Yes, I have lied and I still do. I've stolen before (sometimes unintentionally, and when I was younger, intentionally from Big Lots.) I haven't murdered anyone, that's for sure.

8. o_O

Why are you expecting everything in return from the Jews (or anyone else for that matter)? And all this time, I thought you were the sort of god that just gave, gave, gave without expecting anything in return.

9. I have an open mind to other religious factions and/or gods.

I do believe in you as a sort of "higher being" and possibly the "real thing", but I am still open to the possibility of other gods out there. But somehow I also feel that all of the single "god" other religions worship or believe in COULD be You. But I wouldn't know that. Either way, I don't think of myself as being condemned for bearing an open mind the idea of multiple gods.

10. I believe in gay rights.

Sorry, but you won't change my mind on this. People should be able to love who they want to love, regardless of gender. It maybe go against your imagery of marriage and relationships, and it may be so wrong in the eyes of others or your own (or whatever sight-seeing abilities you have), but anyone and everyone should be able to love who they please without gender restrictions. And no, I don't feel gay men or lesbian women are or should be condemned for their sexualities. Did you also happen to know that even regardless of their sexualities, there are gays who worship you, probably more than I have or ever will? Yeah. That's saying a lot. So think twice about the hypocritical, asshole heterosexuals that condemn gay rights.

11. I am my own person.

I am still going to do what makes me happy, make my mistakes as any other human will do, and make the choices and decisions in life that will take me to different paths in life. My life is not set in stone, and I'm not going to live religiously in hopes that I will go to Heaven instead of eternal damnation if I don't right wrongs and triumph over evil (thanks, Sailor Moon!) I will give in to lust (it feels good! Or else why would you give humans the ability to feel pleasure?), I am a glutton for so many things (ie, food and material possessions), I am capable of being greedy as any man or woman out there, I will suffer from much envy of my fellow peers, and I will take pride in my talents and other things in life that make me happy (though sometimes I will be too prideful to get over arguments with people or give in to them), and I will always being angry over ridiculous shit. There is no person in mankind that is not subjected to these sins (and others that I had failed to mention.) And if they've never been, then they are... well, not human. Shit. Lol. Simply put, I will do the things in life that will help me succeed and make me happy in life. And on top of all that, it is ME who performs my way of life, and is not run by a spritual being.

I am a type of "girlfriend" (or whatever I am these days) that is more than willing to make friends with the ex-girlfriends of my current love interests (so long as they weren't jealous psychos or bat shit crazy.) However, when I do make friends with these girls, I pick them apart and realize, 

"This girl has more to offer than I do. Why the fuck is he with me?"

For instance, I see one of Jason's ex-girlfriends (or, first love if you want to get technical - at least that's how I look at it) who is just as artistically inclined as I am (we've discussed collaborations and whatnot) and she is actually a decent person (although Jason begs differ, but that's beside the point.) She's a really attractive girl, gothic (I don't know how else to describe the style, but she wears lolita and cosplays exceptionally well), has piercings (probably tattoos, as well), fair-skinned, cute face, and a nice figure to boot (similar to mine, at least); she has a love of anime/managa, gaming, goes to clubs, drinks, smokes, etc...

She seems to be Jason's type and exactly what he would want in a girl. And what do I have to offer? Maybe a love of drawing, anime, and gaming, and that is probably as far as it goes. If anything, I have my "average" body to keep me going in the long run. But other than that, she has so much more than me. They still communicate every once in a while (although I was told by Jason that they both agreed what they had now was totally platonic), but I can't help but wonder, why is there no spark between them anymore, or again for that matter? I am plain and average above all else, and I just can't help but wonder what there is about me that he wants anything to do with. I think it is something that he will never tell me, or be able to tell me. And I guess this whole thing comes from my intimidation and apprehension of other women - picking myself apart as to compare myself to them and make them out to be the betters as opposed to me.

I am the generic out-going, open-minded, gamer, artistic, anime geek that every nerdy boy dreams of. Keyword: generic. Because I have a decent figure and appearance is just a bonus to the package. And although at times that come to be quite an advantage for me, right now, it's not exactly something that makes me happy about myself, either. Believe it or not, I hate being the type of girl that every gamer nerd pursues. I'm tired of it, and it doesn't make me remotely unique. But unfortunately, it's something I just can't change about myself. I can't help the fact that I am near obsessed with my DS, that I have a talent for drawing, and passion for reading manga and watching beautiful art in motion, and the fact that I feel independent enough to where I could give shit less if I mention the word "penis" in a crowded retail store. I am who I am, and it seems like I can never stand out as much as I used to years ago. Now it seems like just about every girl of my "kind" are remotely the same way in some form or fashion. These guys claim that we are a rarity. Believe me, we are not.

All I really want is just a healthy, long-term relationship. Where I won't have the need or urges to feel insecure, where I can show it off to the world, and be strictly exclusive with one person and one person only.

I hate looking at other happy couples, and thinking, that they don't think about pursuing other people if they aren't satisfied with the person they have right now. I wish I could just be myself with a significant other and not worry about him looking for someone BETTER if I'm not up to his standards. I'm tired of feeling like I can never be up to par with what someone wants.

"I love Rhiannon Walsh more then anyone in my entire life. I love her smile and her childlike charm. I love how she smiles at me with a luring gaze as if I'm the only one in the world for her. There's nobody else I want to comfort and protect. There's nobody else I want to fight alongside their struggles, and she's the only woman in the world I want to wake up to every morning and for the rest of my life."

"I believe our possibilities can be endless, to say whatever we want but respect each other. Most of all I want to bring in my adventure and that's why I've been with myself because I need it. But I cry with you when your sad. I never forget you when your not here."

I left his bad spellings for good measure and sentimental bliss.

"I guess I just feel like you've been distant or something and it scares me from time to time."

"distant? lol
i think i've been the opposite
 i've just been busy with the new place, and school and work and what not"

"sometimes it feels like you get mad at me or frustrated over little things I do
I know, and that's understandable
and I'm afraid that those things will build up and you'll get tired of it
like how you fussed at me over the trash can"

"what do you mean"

"To be blunt I just feel like I seem dumb to you sometimes"

"well, to be honest, sometimes you do certain things that arent exactly smart
that doesnt mean your dumb"

"I'm not exactly a person of common sense, either."

"and i dont mean to harm you when i say your dumb"

"I know you mean it jokingly
But I guess it's just the little things I've noticed that you haven't, I dunno"

"well, its either your dumb and cute, or smart and cynical
i'll take the latter thank you very much"

"...Being dumb and cute hasn't exactly been the best package for men.
blah."

"it seems to work for me lol"

"Only for so long =/"

"its been a year and a half..."

"And if you prefer the latter, it kind of makes you sound contradictory lol
I know it has, but, I dunno, I guess I just keep thinking about it in the long run"

"listen, i like to think i bring something to a relationship, and if its common sense, then  so be it
you really have nothing to worry about ree
you have no reason to be afraid, my little waffle"

I have never posted a conversation between us and what lies between us 90% of the time.

   

PS.

Christina Aguilera is fucking hot as hell.

I really fail hard when it comes to making my own entry titles. I guess I don't really feel obligated to be that damn unique. Needless to say, I've been listening to a lot of Death Cab, Circa Survive, and some Veruca Salt as of late. Maybe a dash of Tori Amos, as well. I can relate to a lot of their music and it seems like my playlists consist mostly of them. Talk about emo, Rofl.

I realized that I feel more confident when I feel more secure having someone in my life. Though I am still caught between two men, it just feels like wrong and right at the same time. Or maybe I'm just selfish and I'm keeping them around for my own gain. But I still feel like either one of them can make it to long-term future level. One of these men won't be around in five years. Question is, which one?

I've figured out what Jason wants, and what is attracted to him. He wants a girl/woman that isn't depressive, that is more optimistic than he is (given that he is a depressed guy in general.) Someone who isn't anti-social and who is out-going. Who can shoot the shit with him and have a couple of drinks while at the same time just play an entire 5+ hour session of some random online game he's playing. Maybe even someone he can trust with his sensitive heart (though I'm damn sure he wouldn't admit to having one) and someone who can make him less insecure and wanted. Though he claims to not want to have a relationship right now (even with me in particular), he feels staying single is the best route to go. If strings are not attached between us, he could easily fuck off if I broke his heart in some way. How? Because he wasn't entirely devoted to me and only me. He didn't invest himself into me and I guess if we're not in a relationship and I hurt him, the blow won't be so hard. If anything, it could work the other way around and if he got bored with me or found someone else, he wouldn't have to go through the trouble of a 'break up' or some shit. He's also well-aware that he has hurt those in his past (including myself) and he's trying hard to avoid doing so again right now. Ironically enough, I'm even afraid of the same thing. The difference between us though, is the fact that I'm willing to try and give him my all.

Things are so messed up between us. Some days I think we'll get along great and we can patch ourselves up. But there are so many factors involved that we're both too reluctant to even try to pick at them one by one. Other days I feel like he's bored and has a wandering eye. And I think bringing Alisha with him to Expo would be a prime example of that. And it hurts me to high hell and brings me to tears, but I'm still here. And I'm still left wondering why I put myself through that kind of torment. I think it's because I know what's really wrong with him and why he is the way he is. And I'm looking at that as a primary reason. Fuck, it feels like battered wife syndrome! Lol. "HE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME, BUT I KNOW HE MEANS WELL." - What I think it really could be is the whole 'bad boy' outlook of it. Jason definitely can be exciting at times, he's straight forward, knows what he wants when he wants to do it, and a lot of the time I really feel like he makes up for most of the things I lack and vice versa. I've even thought of him as my other half on so many occasions. And I guess knowing full well of both of our insecurities, and how I really would like to cure him of his, that's why I still stick with him. I know him more than what most people would know, and I feel like that's all that can really matter. I'm just glad that I know what makes him him and what exactly it is to go about fixing things. But it's hard to do that, when I am feeling just as reluctant and insecure as he is. It feels like such a vicious cycle, that I don't even know where to begin.

A lot of people wonder why I put myself through the stress, neglect, and worry over Jason. Some even say he's not good for me, and more or less a bad influence. But what people don't see is the bigger picture. As much as people would like to deny it, he has a good heart. He has a tremendous heart that wants to love and be loved just as much as anyone else. He just fails to have his priorities straight and doesn't know what to do or know what he wants. I think he's capable of doing so much, even making a girl happy and sustaining a healthy relationship.

It's just amazing how much fear and depression can paralyze someone's train of thought and feelings. It's crazy how one person could turn another so jaded and ruin their once hopeful aspect of human connections. Love is supposed to be fleeting, exciting, hopeful... not full of dread of how it could end, or worry of when it will. Sadly though, I could tell myself that and I would still have that jaded view. Aren't I such a hypocrite?

Wow, just a small entry here.

I am amazed at either my research capabilities or the fact that I can virtually get ANY sort of question asked via Google!

I think today will be a good day to draw. Also a good day to pick up my scanner from Trevor's, but I've been indecisive about that since I've kinda vowed myself to complete at least one pic before I even bother getting it. Either way, today's a good day to sleep for a coupla hours after dropping off Alex then picking up a pencil. Plus I realized that Comic Con isn't actually until NEXT week, so this gives me a little bit of extra time to build a little portfolio.

I don't feel as stressed anymore (for the time being.) Finally talked to Trevor last night, and he wasn't nearly as much of a douche as I had expected him to be. Quite the opposite, really. Like his usual self. Then wound up staying out till nearly 1 AM at Applebee's since i was craving some MASSIVE brownie + ice cream. Really good shit! I needed it, Lol. As for other things, I've finally gotten the money to take care of that fucking speeding ticket (which I have to deal with Thursday morn), and now all I have to worry about is printing out a copy of my insurance so hopefully the faggots on Camp Pendleton won't put a point on my father's record. So let's hope the folks at court are as "lenient" as the MP claimed them to be. As for things with Jason, I think he's kind of preferring me to be normal as opposed to emo all the time, "...You're doing the hormonal thing again." - At least he's letting me know, Lol.

Other than that, I think things are okay now. I'm not keeping my hopes up though, because something is bound to arise. All I know though, is that I've been craving (some more) Coke + Rum and I really need to get shit-housed. It's been yonks since I've done that! And I have yet another toilet to break!

And I realized that I should try posting something meaningful that people can actually read and maybe relate to, Lol. I've been reading a lot of other blogs lately (especially featured ones) because they're interesting reads and keep me inspired, occupied, and they often give some good advice. And maybe one of these days I can host a featured blog with my art (talk about exposure. :P!)

PS.

Fucking Cold Play's Viva La Vida reminds me of Trevor now, thanks to him. 6_9 He was a bit shocked when I turned up the radio for him when it was playing.

(For future reference.)

Often times I find myself thinking about him and what it was about him that was really so terrible. He's so giving and sacrificial. He goes out of his way to make others happy. Someone could throw him the worst attitude and treatment (ie, me) and he'll still grit his teeth and bear it. He isn't judgmental; he won't 'disown' me if I decided to get a job at Wal-Mart or act like I don't exist if I choose a military career path. He's defended me and took my side many times. He virtually supported me when I had quit my job, and even when I had one with shitty pay. He disliked a lot of the things I did but he still stuck through with them. He's understanding and doesn't like leaving things open-ended or unfinished. Often times when I look at him I either see a shadow of my former self; of how idealistic and optimistic I used to be. Then sometimes I'll look at him and see Steven and see all the mistakes that I made with him and think that maybe I could fix them through Trevor.

I know he's bitter and hurt right now. And he may even be jaded for God knows how long. And if he truly wants to move on and forget about me, he may try pursuing other girls. But he'll look for the qualities within them that were how I used to be when he first met me. Or, since he's really wanted it, maybe just someone to fuck around with. I honestly don't know his mindset anymore. I used to be able to read him, but now he's just kind of unpredictable.

I guess just my biggest fear with him right now is the fear of regretting how I could miss out on him. Because he has treated me better than Jason have or ever will, and he has done things for me that some people haven't, won't, or try to tolerate. But I feel like it may just be too late for us. That maybe if we really do have a time a part from one another, than slowly but surely we can rebuild whatever what was left of our former relationship. That maybe over a few months' time, we could gently start reconnecting with a simple text message, or conveniently running into each other in some place(s).

I do still love him. But I'm afraid of letting down my guard, I guess. Or maybe he's one of the few people that have made me feel the most secure around him. Or I'm just afraid that he wouldn't understand my predicament. Afraid that he will realize that he can do better than me. That he is totally incapable of loving me again. A part of me even wants to show him this entry. Perhaps even my entire blog just so he can get an insight of my weird-ass mind.

I think this is first, if not one of very few times that I've dedicated an entry to Trev.

I can't breathe
The centipede
Is choking me
It's my one-armed monster
Daylight
No appetite
Don't wanna fight
Cause I'm
Cause I'm
Broken depressed fucked up insane
Smokin depressed wanna see you again
Broken depressed fucked up

My heart aches
I need a break
A clean escape in my pink pajamas
I'm angel-dusted
I'm ill-adjusted
I can't be trusted
Cause I'm
Cause I'm
Broken depressed fucked up insane
Smokin depressed wanna see you again
Broken depressed fucked up insane

I can't breathe
The centipede
Is killing me
The furniture's
Peculiar
It keeps me company

Broken depressed fucked up insane
Smokin depressed wanna see you again
Broken depressed fucked up insane
Broken depressed fucked up

I'm feeling sorry Elizabeth's cat. They're relocating and her father is allergic to cats (plus he tends to spray around the place.) I'm looking at him right now, and he's an older cat. He's not exactly a kitten or younger cat. He's just this fat, cuddly-looking cat who just lies around and does whatever. He's just your regular, cranky cat. But I like the little guy, and I feel really bad because Ryan is taking him back to the pound (I think) where they originally got him from (or animal shelter! Wtf it is, Lol.)

It just makes me look at the bigger picture. Of how when people are looking for a new cat or a new puppy at a shelter, they all look for the younger, energetic, happy, (and cute) ones. They never really want to consider just a regular, plain-ol' cat. And it saddens me. Because Stolli may not have another home, and he may just wind up being another one of those pets that are thrown back into a freezer with the rest that wound up being put to sleep because they're just unwanted pets.

Sometimes I just really hate the world and the people in it.

Ironically enough, my mom suggested that I have some sort of 'hormonal inbalance', like her (she often has tantrums and urges to rip peoples' heads off like I do.) She figures she could hook me up with the same medication as she is on that would (hopefully) make me a 'normal' person. I certainly hope that works.

In other news, my art work is improving significantly for the time being. I also home to go to Animagic with Jason and James in October. I'm really looking forward to that, I think it'll be an exciting road trip and weekend for the three of us. If I could honestly choose a group of people that I would enjoy hanging out with the most, it would be Jason and James.

I just realized something. I really fucking miss my one and only best friend right now. Although she and I never talk anymore since I've moved, it still feels like she's the only person that I can truly connect with. And as sad as it sounds, the only times I really try to get in touch with her is when I'm drinking. When I'm real drunk it's even worse, because I wind up leaving her these obnoxious drunk calls about how much I "miss her" and "love her" and how she's virtually the only woman I've ever felt the most connected with, Lol. I'm feeling buzzed offa this rum and Coke right now, but I'm getting there. And for some reason I just really want to talk to her. Not to bitch and moan about how my life is currently in the shitter, but rather, how the hell she's doing. I just want to know what her accomplishments have been, what her goals are, who she's hanging out with nowadays, who her new friends are, if she has a new boyfriend, if she's in school, how work is going, if she's happy, if she's doing anything meaningful or special. She's one of the few people, if not only that I honestly want to know anything and everything about. She's so important to me, and it scares me sometimes. I've only known her for what, five? six years? I don't know, I'm too lazy to even count. All that matters is that I want her right now. Not as just a shadow of a shoulder to cry on, but just to keep in touch with my old life from back at home. I think I just freak her out, now. Lol. Or maybe she's just busy. That happens, too. And I don't blame her. I just wish I knew how her life was going.

Though I doubt she'll ever find this blog and hear this message, I just want to say, that I miss you Linds. More than anything.

For the past four years my family have been having to tolerate (somewhat) of my little brother's actions. His many drug abuses, alcoholism, among many other factors. And I am beginning to realize that I think I am gradually becoming mentally unstable. Nothing psychotic like schizophrenia or anything of the like. Or maybe I'm just really depressed or possibly bipolar. Because the shit I've been causing, the emotions and mental capacity I've been feeling; that these can't be really actions of a "normal" person. I really feel the need to somehow see a psychologist that could maybe give me some answers. Because I definitely have problems; and I doubt that anyone, even friends and family, can help me with that. Sadly enough, it feels like my family has the issue of my brother's drug and alcohol abuse and a mentally unstable daughter.

Times like these, nights like these, I just wish I could just sit outside, maybe even by the beach, and just have a couple of smokes or a few beers (if I could drink them.) I think that would be my one and only reason to smoke. Is to just have something to do while sitting at a chilly beach in the middle of the night. Better yet, maybe just have an SUV where I can easily pop the trunk and even fall asleep there. Wishful thinking, though.

Tonight I've been thinking about Jason and what makes him act the way he does. I feel after he's suffered from his tremendous heart break over Mell, that it's destroyed his perspective on relationships in general. Pretty much the generic feeling of "relationships never last" and pretty much not putting any effort into them and subconsciously fucking them up. He's already a broken man, it seems. And he's been jaded ever since. And unfortunately, it makes me want to have this "hero" complex where it's like as if I could "save him from himself" and hope that everything comes out like cake in the end. But unfortunately I think that's the going rate for most girls out there who encounter the types of guys who really don't know what they want, and unfortunately say what they mean when they say they don't want a relationship "right now." Yet at the same time they still vie for your attention, they still want you, and they don't know why. Because they still see you as "wife material" maybe, and they are just afraid of the whole marriage scene.

Honestly, I don't get these types of people. And I don't know how to work with them. It makes me wish that there was some sort of strategy guide out there that can point you in all the right directions. But it seems like you'd have to wind up creating your own in the end, even if it means learning everything and starting from scratch the hard way, just to provide the strategies you've overcome to other people who wind up finding themselves in the same situations.

Is it worth helping people who are in this state of mind? Especially when they never want to discuss their innermost worries or fears? Or does it really take a couple of glasses of gin and tonic to really get them to talk? It's obvious that it's only they that can "fix" themselves. But even so, they still pull themselves through dirt and muck, regardless of how shitty and depressed it makes them feel from day to day. Is it the lack of motivation? Do they need someone to give them that "pick-me-up" they've been looking for? There's so many questions that have so many obvious answers that no one really wants to hear.

Wow, talk about rambling tonight, Lol.

So I'm beginning to think that I'm bipolar. And I have a feeling that my day-to-day actions kind of express that. Unless it's what you would call actually being human and depressed all the time. I'm thinking about just posting how I'm feeling every day. Or if anything, use this dusty journal that I have sitting in with my massive collection of manga up in my room... sounds like a good idea.

Yesterday I felt like I was in a good mood. I felt like I can do anything if I put my mind to it and I'm all stoked and excited about these goals that I have in mind; going back to school and taking my courses, improving my grades, getting a job I'll actually enjoy, (finally) getting my tax rebate in the mail, having the urge to draw again AND working on a new art style, having a coupla new friends (and boosting my self-esteem a little) and just plain going out more and everything. I think yesterday I kind of screwed up my equilibrium by breaking things off with Trevor though, because he thinks it's on some sort of permanent basis, when I merely wanted us to be separated for a while, because all we do is argue, and the fact that I don't even feel that sexually attracted to him. I guess he didn't like the combination of both so much that he felt it was necessary to tell me to "go to hell." This morning I woke up with this kind of dread, feeling like I may have made a mistake again. Trevor says just in a couple of days, even weeks, I'll come crawling back to him. Maybe he's right, I don't know. For some reason without him around, I feel like I lose all security about myself and losing just another person who was close to me. And I guess that's just another reason for me to build towards living without being a man's shadow for once and to be my own person.

So I'm not in that good mood anymore. I fear for the future. I'm afraid I'm not going to get that job because I didn't fill out my application as well as I should have. I'm afraid my classes won't work out too well for me. I'm afraid the minute I pick up a pencil my art will be shit. I'm even afraid of sitting my ass around the house and doing nothing all day long. And then it all comes down to me just deciding on, "What's the point of building towards these things when I'm just going to fail in the end?" - I guess that's what 'depression' is all about. I'm too prideful to take the time putting effort into something when I know it's just going to fuck up in the end. So I want to save myself the embarrassment, the disappointment, and the pity. Or maybe that would just make me a weak person for not trying. I always get yelled at by Jason and whoever else for not putting effort into anything or not trying. And I guess what I am mostly lacking could even be just motivation. I know I should just do it for "me" but sometimes that's not the right way to go. 

Wow, I really need some working on getting back in touch with my 'inner-self'. Because right now it's shitty, Lol.

Wow, so this makes my THIRD entry today. I really need a life. But this is the last one for the day, I promise. I was browsing through some of my older entries which seem vaguely familiar with my current predicament. I've fallen in love, out of love, become heart broken, healed, etc. I've gone through this whole process in God knows how many ways, and I keep telling myself that this is just one of those situations just like all the others. But why does it feel different? And even then, I keep telling myself that it's felt different every time. I don't know if it's because I've lost my virginity to him. And I try not to use that was my platform for all the subsequent excuses for my being so attached to him. If anything, he was just helping me get over a hump that I had just so I could be able to fuck someone that I'd really find worth doing it with. But no, I don't think the whole virginity thing is a reason. Maybe that's why I'm going to be attached to him for a hella long time, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I keep going through my mind like an index to find references to my past similar experiences. I remember when Tim hurt me and led me on, while he was developing feelings for Katie. And for so long I felt I couldn't do better, that I wouldn't be able to find anyone else for me. And now I feel like the same damn thing is happening again, and I don't want it. I keep convincing myself that somewhere within himself that he does want to try again, that he still does somewhat have feelings for me... But why the secrecy? Why did he lie about me picking up some chick from the airport for Expo, how come he doesn't want his friend(s) telling me what he's doing all weekend? It's such a disgusting cycle. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship any more than he is, but I still want him. Those feelings are still there. And I can't even look at any other man the same way that I look at him. I try talking to other guys, but I just can't. I can't get a hook up, I can't just DATE, etc... It's just all a big fucking mess.

So I just got off the phone with the grandparents. It wasn't as bad as I had thought. But I tell you what though, my grandmother does a damn good job of bringing me to tears, and not in a bad way either. And given her past personal experiences, I really look up to this woman because I feel like she's actually something that I want to become. It's like, I think about Amber, and Tamryn, and my mother (which I think I got my dramatized side from... hah hah), and my grandmother, and I think, they're all independent women. And they are also the woman that I want to become, myself. 

Anyway, aside from that, I've been thinking a lot about drawing again. I even bought a new pack of .5 mm pencils to get me started again (and maybe, MAYBE, crack open that container of Staedler ink pens I bought YONKS ago and put them to use)... I realized that I want to do more a of a 'realistic' type of art. Something like Hiroaki Samura (Blade of the Immortal), Oh!Great (Tenjou Tenge/Air Gear), or Falcoon (KOF and SNK artist.) I love drawing people; it's just the poses that get me the most. Maybe I should try taking anatomy classes?

As far as Expo is concerned now, I've finally got some extra finances. So if anything, I could just go shopping earlier in the week, then maybe Saturday if I feel like it, then just go back home. Because to be honest, I think the dealer's room is my biggest concern. lulz.

I've decided to maybe get back to using my Xanga more often... It's just crazy as to how much history it has (like, what, almost five years' worth?) and you know, as long as this damn site is still up, I think I want to keep blogging here. I've posted here more than I have ever (or ever will) write in a physical journal... Sucks for me though, if I lose all these memories. I've decided to just post daily, if at all possible. Maybe it'll help me in a bit of ways. Especially since I (think) still have "friends" who still check out my Xanga from time to time. Which is nice, especially when I hear from Jonas. =) Well, today I tried mastering the whole "sleeping the day away", which wound up meaning "sleeping until about 1 something PM" and somehow I still felt crappy. For the past couple of years (and still) I've been paranoid about someone yelling at me for sleeping an entire day away. Kinda like how I was up in New York one summer and I'd sleep until about 5 or so and just be up the rest of the night. That doesn't sound unhealthy, at all. But I digress; I really need to stop sleeping in, period. I've always felt like I've been wasting my life away sleeping through an entire morning. =/ Anime Expo is coming up, and I should be excited for it. I kind of am, but I guess I'm just real worried about the drama that could or will ensue. I may not even stay the entire weekend (I'm already getting a free badge + room), and I'm getting my rebate check ($300 worth! Woot) on Saturday. So if anything, I'll spend the week hanging out with friends, going to some panels, and watching some anime. Then come Saturday and/or Sunday, maybe just go shopping in the dealer's room to my heart's content then go back home. Because honestly, there really isn't anything else there for me. I want to go there for myself and just have a good time to "get away from it all", but the stress of him being there is just a bit too much for me to bear, especially since he'll be with his new girl. Not really in the mood for that, no thank you. Anyway, I'm supposed to be leaving Wednesday evening, maybe Thursday afternoon. I'd rather be getting lost driving in LA during the daytime than night time. Depending on who's around by Thursday and if navigation is (fairly) easy at the convention center (where I won't get jacked up) I'll probably just go exploring or something. Why the hell not?

Grammaton Agent: it's an 05 Legacy
Grammaton Agent: im not complaining
Grammaton Agent: all wheel drive
Grammaton Agent: i took that car for a drive last week
Grammaton Agent: and im now in love with AWD
yanxi3: What's all wheel drive?
Grammaton Agent: 9_9
Grammaton Agent: really?
yanxi3:  Yes.
Grammaton Agent: give me a second
Grammaton Agent: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_wheel_drive
yanxi3: Omg, why didn't you just say FOUR wheel drive? lol.
yanxi3: Oh wait
yanxi3: ...."all-wheel drive"...
yanxi3: ...Wow, that's so self-explanatory
yanxi3: I should be hit for this.
Grammaton Agent: yes
Grammaton Agent: you should

Dis Xanga be mien.

I feel like I've become somewhat numb, now. I no longer feel loved or wanted as I used to be, I believe it's all due in part to me and myself alone.

Just as I had expected, I've pretty much lost the important loves I've had in my life up to this point. I feel one steadily drifting apart and I feel one who has already made his leave. To be honest, it's something I've had pretty much expected to happen. One way or another I would wind up losing both in this great battle between my heart and my mind over a period of almost half a year, now. And now I think it is finally drawing to a close. Time to pack up, grow up, and move on to better conquests. I refuse to set myself up for failure or heart break (again). I know when I'm not wanted. When I'm not loved the way I should be. And when I know that, I see no point in clinging to one person who can't give me that or feel they can't find it in themselves to do so.

And I guess there is that bitter, clich'e idea of one loving you enough that they will come back to you, if you're even meant to be together. But I'm not even entirely sure of that in itself. I've pretty much run both men into the ground. And I guess the one that does come back, I am probably meant to be with or worth having a new start with.

Maybe something will happen eventually when I'm not so fixated with finding someone else special or someone who is best suited to my wants and needs, or perhaps who bears the qualities of both men that I had found in one and the other. Thing is, I don't know if that will ever happen. But when it does, I guess it will be when I am at my happiest.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways 
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days 
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes 
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise 

But that day will most likely never come for me 
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck 
To everything you are 

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures 
And overanalyze your words 
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard 
It's taking everything in me 
Just to forget your sweater so far 

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world 
But your undecisive mind shows me that 
You are "just another girl" 
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real 
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams 
Maybe then you'd know how I feel 

But that day will most likely never come for me 
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck 
To everything you are 

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures 
And overanalyze your words 
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard 
It's taking everything in me 
Just to forget your sweater so far 

I can honestly say 
That I never, ever, ever felt this way 
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin 
These are the parts of your body 
That cause my comatose to begin 

I can honestly say 
That I never, ever, ever felt this way 
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin 
These are the parts of your body 
That cause my comatose to begin 

I will sleep another day 
I don't really need to anyway 
What's the point when my dreams are infected 
With words you used to say 
I will breathe in a moment 
As long as I keep my distance 
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up 

So don't go worrying about me 
It's not like I think about you constantly 
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect 
Your life anymore 
I knew it the moment you walked into the door 

So don't go worrying about me 
It's not like I think about this constantly 
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect 
Your life anymore 
I knew it the moment you walked into the door 

I'll let you get the best of me 
Because there's nothing else that I do well 
I'll let you get the best of me 
Because there's nothing else that I do well 
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker 
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker 
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Okay... I have to vent, now.

I think I'm just paranoid. Or maybe just crazy. Or just really fucking depressed, Lol. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm about to have a heart attack at any minute now, or just have a mental break down. I don't know what it is.

I feel so screwed right now. I feel like I can't be with the person that I really want to be with. And here he's going to some anime club on Saturday. Which pretty much tells me he's going to fall for the first cute, dorky, anime fangirl that he meets. And then I'll pretty much feel useless and forgotten. Often times I feel like I'm just making sacrifices for someone else other than myself. How the fuck can I be happy when I don't know how to?

I just wish he'd have more hope for me. It's been too damn long, I know this, but fuck... it's all got to come down to something. It has to have meaning. All of this shit we're dragging ourselves through has to have some kind of value you at the end of it. It can't be just this... this big "lose/lose" situation. I really want him, and I want him to be happy with me. I want us to be closer together, and I really want to be the only person in his life. But now that he's 21 and he's pretty much able to go out and drink wherever the hell he wants to, even if it be these random ass goth clubs he goes to, I'm even paranoid of the fact that he'll go fuck around with some other women.

I know it's not fair of me to talk like that, since I am already going to be with someone each night. But then again, I don't think he really looks at the deeper aspect of it. I may go to bed with the same man every night... but it doesn't exactly mean that it's him that I want to do it with. In fact, I haven't even been intimate with the guy in God knows how long, as in, putting my heart into it.

Why the hell did I get myself into this? I just want to be with him and him alone. But he pretty much doesn't care about any more. We hardly talk about anything meaningful now, he's pretty much going to his clubs, and eventually I will lose him entirely whether it be from him fucking off from me, or finding some other pretty girl that he can set his heart on. But damn, as for the latter... it really hurts to think of that. I really fucking hurts. And I nearly spill over in envy for this girl, even though she may not even exist in his life yet. Eventually he'll be with her, and not with me. He'll be happier with her, forget about me, and move on, and it will be as if we had never met each other.

I think I'm just paranoid.

I just wish I could hear him tell me that he still loves me, from the bottom of his heart, regardless of what is happening now... At least then I'd know for sure that there is still little hope, even for myself.

I find it interesting how love works, honestly.

And okay, so I lied, I guess I will be spilling my guts tonight.

I was in love with a man once, long distance, for nearly two whole years. Even though we constantly bounced off and on with each other, we both clung hard to each other in desperation. We made plans, plans that failed, yet we kept going, blindly, but knowing damn well there wasn't a future there nor here. Not any longer for either of us. It officially ended in March. Hearts were broken, lives departed, and now we speak maybe once a month or every other month. He has an amazing girlfriend now, and I think she's all that a man could ever ask for. She's absolutely brilliant, and she even makes me jealous wishing that I could be the woman that she is. I completely support them both. Most of all though, I'm glad that he's happy. I think it's beyond what words could describe.

I met someone in March; one person who finally allowed me to experience so many things that I had never experienced before. And this isn't an exaggeration. I somewhat feel that there is a part of him that has done kind of dent in my life; something that will make me remember and never forget. And it's not the virginity that I am talking about either, hah hah. It was something about his persona. The type of man that I would never consider into my most intimate life. Is it possibly that everyone in their lives have at least one person who has impacted their lives in ways that they've never expected? Or am I just crazy?

Somehow he made me believe in signs. And how things specifically happen for a reason. I rethink all of my situations and wonder "what would it be like if this happened", and so on. It probably started when the mother even briefly mentioned the idea of California. I hated it, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my friends, my loves, my relatives. But somehow my thoughts changed. I wanted to move. I wanted to get out of that town. I wanted to start something new, something fresh. And as selfish as it may sound of me, I also wanted to move for Dawid. I would be so much closer to him, and we would see each other mid-summer of 2007. Or so I thought I would. But I felt almost half of my move was mainly for him, because I loved him. Someone that I had once thought to be my soul mate without even touching each other.

I'm in California. I'm starting fresh. All of my baggage is left behind, but still the same person as I was before I left. But I manage to get a speeding ticket, and forced myself to get a job, and I met someone. While at the same time, he had moved from his hometown just an hour away for a girlfriend he had met, and to get out of the drama of his own town only to break it off with her three months prior to meeting me. 

What I found funny though, was the fact that he fell for me, and I wasn't remotely attracted, hah hah. But somehow we just hung out one day, and it just clicked. It just fucking clicked. And I immediately found myself head over heels and after a drunk night of being pathetic and crying with regret for denying him, I wanted him. Bad.

That was when things ended with Dawid.

I had Jason for myself. I was all his, and he was unexpected. He smoked, he drank, he wasn't necessarily big on his wardrobe and a hella metalhead. Had an asshole attitude about him, never really opened up (unless blessed with a tall one.) He was just one of those guys that I particularly wouldn't find myself with. But there was chemistry, and somehow our opposites immediately attracted. What I also find ironic is the fact that I am a Libra and he is an Aries - each other's opposites of the zodiac, hah hah. Newayz.

He was the first one that I had made love with. It wasn't exactly a bad full of rose petals by the candlelight. But the moment in itself was special. I never thought that I would find myself with this guy when I moved here, I never figured that I would do something like this so soon. I never thought I'd find myself falling so hard for a person that I want to be with, and to have him want me too.

He's special to me. I can't even put it into words. And of all of these signs, I just find it so convenient. So am I just crazy? Or maybe I met him for a reason. We still yearn for each other. His body compliments mine so perfectly, and somehow we have those days where we just connect...

I just keep asking myself, and wondering, did I meet this man for a reason? Somehow something had led us to each for a reason. Or is it merely a matter of convenience and coincidence? Somehow I refuse to believe that.

I'm stuck, I'm out of luck
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this

We could leave, I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far, we'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete, the moon will die of shame

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me ...

And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me

Wow, how did Xanga suddenly get so faggy?

Anyway, that's besides the point.

Wow, I must say, it's been almost decades since I've last posted here. I've got a new journal now... but for some reason, it feels like that this is the journal that no one ever reads. No one that I know of who does, anyway. So now it kind of feels like that blog that "no one ever reads." I guess it's safe to blubber about whatever I want, who I want, when I want, and all that jazz. But tonight isn't going to be one of those nights.

Just, whoa.