Tonight I had an epiphany. And so I decided to right an entry about someone who I doubt reads my journal anymore. This is to you, Steven.
I just had a night of seeing Bareback Mountain and after taking Jared home, Linds and I were a bit hungry. Here we were talking about you guys at Perkins - what we've loathed. And randomly you guys were there. First we came in seeing Jamie who made direct eye contact with me but didn't make a move to say hi. Then as we waited, Lindsey tells me she sees Hamilton. Later she sees Blevins. Then you.
For some reason I think I had some sort of nervous reaction. I started to get these massive chills and got cold, my nose kept itching so much I had to whipe the snot on a napkin I didn't even bother to use yet; it was to the point where I needed a paper bag, more or less.
Earlier that night I thought you were Kenny from school at first, considering the short hair and the small frame. When it realize it was you, and Caiti sitting with you, no less (at least I thought so), I found myself constantly looking at you waiting for you to make eye contact somehow. To maybe notice some psycho staring right at you across the restaurant. But you never did. I'm pretty sure you guys saw us there, though. We are not really that hard to spot in a crowded public place.
I'm surprised that I never thought of this idea, before. I know I can't open up to you, because it will just be trashed like every other heart-to-heart we've had in the past. That, I find, is really depressing. Rather than opening up to someone who probably won't acknowledge how I feel and expect some sort of certain reaction, well, I get just as much, if better, satisfaction by just doing so in my journal. That way, if you really have something that you need to say, you will say it.
You know that I don't want to be with you again. But... somehow I can't just relish in the fact that there won't be an "us" someday. I could see it happening, if by chance, if we even really want to be together again. But I don't want you. I don't want to be with you. I have no reason to be with you. If anything, I am happy for you; I honestly am. And if anything, yes, I am jealous in a way. Just the fact that you can be with your one-and-only, when... I can't. He is indifinite. His turn is coming soon.
I'm not trying to give you a sob story. So don't take any of this the wrong way.
Everytime we talk, it seems we can't have a decent conversation. I ask little favors of you. But to you, they all just seem to be a risk. I don't even know what that fucking risk is anymore. What, that you'll "fall in love" with me again? Why, afraid that I'll "fuck up your life" as you like to put it? I asked these favors of you in hopes of restitching that friendship. Obviously it's going to take a long time. A very long time. I've acknowledged that fact. If it means we'll have to be on chat every other day or so for the next two years, fine, I understand that. Everytime we get into an argument, I back out. I avoid it. Then you throw me your "uncalled for" statements. I'm already to the point to where I forgive and forget with you. You hurt me, you ridicule me, you're cold to me. But I put every word you tell me to the side. Because I don't hold them as a grudge against you. Which is why I start off every conversation as if nothing dramatic ever happened. I've now accepted the fact that I can't ask or say anything of you without you turning it into dramatic bullshit with your "I don't know...'s" or "I'll think about it's."
You say you don't care about me. That you're not concerned with me and my life. How you hate me so, how you despise me and can't stand me, much less risking having me even constantly entering your life with an instant message; yet, you read my journal, you look at my deviantART; even asked me to "update" you with my current life. I know you really do care. I know you miss having me in your life, even just a little bit. I know you still think about me from time to time. And if it really was me in that green Beetle that you came across, what would you do? Catch up to me and what then? Hope that I would notice you? Smile at you? Wave? Or maybe act like I didn't even notice you and just speed ahead to avoid you?
I am tired of these games.
You have these two sides, Steven. You have this emotional side that admits how you really feel. Then you have this idiotical, assholic side of yourself that just wants to say all the meanest shit that you can say; what pisses you off, what you hate, what you wish you could do or want done. I get mixed signals. I don't know what you want. I know what I want, and I am about to tell you, since it is damn near impossible to tell you myself. Take what I am about to say to heart. I have no reason to lie to you. And you damn well know that. So you better take this into consideration, because if you expect me to open up to you - to have you LISTEN, at least start by listening to me right now. In this entry: just for you.
I miss having the best of both worlds. I've got my female best friend. But I lack a male best friend. Someone who would know me inside and out, give me advice when I need it, help me when I am in a rut, to be there in my time of need, to give me company when I'm lonely; someone who I can confess my problems, desires, wants, needs... a shoulder to cry on. ...Those things that I would want to give in return. The things that I can't just get out of anyone. It takes years to build something like that. I don't want to feel this stress or tension between us. I don't want us to express how the other feels so negatively. I don't want to have to watch what I say to prevent any accidental arguments or having to hurt each other. I don't want to tear you and Holly apart. I don't want to burn a hole in it or bring about any disruptions. I just want our years back. Before the drama. Before the bullshit. I want to be myself around you again. I'm afraid to be myself in fear of you chewing me up and spitting me back out. I guess when it comes to forgiving and forgetting with you, it's a big step for me to, I guess, feel a little bit more comfortable when I talk with you, even though I think your heart wrenches everytime you recieve a message from Yanxi3.
By the way, why haven't you blocked me yet?
That's what I've wanted to tell you. If anything, some things will probably go unsaid with this journal entry. But if you really care for me to open up when I need to, say so.
Just know, that I have my own life, too. My own personal life that I have to worry about. My life does not revolve around trying to break your heart, hurting your feelings, make you feel like shit, fucking your relationship(s.) However, this is a issue in my personal life that I am honestly working at. That I want to fix. Because as much as I may say that I don't care or wouldn't mind leaving you out of my life... I can't let at least five plus years go down the drain in a split second. Someone has to be a fool let someone like that to slip out of their life as easily as they came into it. I am not about to lose you to some rediculous shit that I did in the past that I heavily regret, still having weighed on my heart. And I am not about to lose you to your infamous flip-flopped sides. You may not want to try, but I do. I want to fix things. And if I have to do it inch by inch; if I have to do it by millimeter by millimeter... I will. Because these tears I shed aren't for me. They are for us.
What I am asking of you is if you are willing to let me do this. If you are willing to help. Or are you really that hard-ass that you show me?
Is that too much to ask for?
