YUH. Back again. And Monday is my upcoming birthday. :O!!! zomg, I can't waits0rz. I hope it turns out good. I want to eat at O'Charley's and have them do the birthday song!! o___o Even though that's terrifying, but it's okay!

Gee whiz0rz, can't wait - it's already Friday. @3@ A friend asked me last night - 

"Friday night? But don't you have plans Friday night?"
"No... why would I?"
"Because it's Friday night. You're supposed to have planses??"

ROFL. 19 years and I still spend my time at the computer on weekend nights. I'm such a n00b! :P But I should have a license that allows me to do that. Call me a geek - but going about some ten years with the internets without the savvy lifestyle of some home coming queen, well, yeah. I'm kinda allowed to sit at home on my ass on the compy all nights. ;)

SO ANYWAY.

I really want to do more arts. I hope to do some more sometime soon. Since the weekend is coming up, and since Lindsrey asked if I wanted to come ovah tonights, it sounds like a plan. I plan on starting a group with my friend Nick. With my snazzy line arts and his random azz Flash animations, we're good to go. The hardest part is coming up with a group name. Oi, I heart Sheezy! :D!!!

Last night I also got to have this uber Skype convo with my friend Dawid from around ten to 2:30 in the AM last night, ROFL. He reminds me of the O-Zone boys, Rofl. He's so sporatic and random - it's cute! XD Especially since he's got this crazy accent going on that reminds me of Thomas Jefferson from the audio version of America the Book. ROFL. This guy I feel like I can connect with. He's hella awesome (and an awesome artist at that. *_*) I plan on inking one of his comic pages or pin-ups once he sends me the shit, ROFL. Apparently they're going to be at a high-res than the arts he posts on dA and SA. :P But I can't wait. If I'm good enough, he'll let me be an inker for his comics. :O!! I hope I suit his style. >< Times like these, I wish I were just as awesome as inking with Steven, Rofl... D:

Saturday night felt like an important night to me, even though it consisted of drama, it seemed. And at the same time... I liked it.

Steven and I had our heart-to-heart conversation. Which it was exactly - a heart-to-heart. It felt like we were revealing our hearts, sharing them with each other. As weird as that may sound. Because with conversations like that, it feels like a Pheonix Down - it revives whatever little of compassion we have left for each other. Restores us from feeling hurt about/from each other. But I only have a feeling that the foundation we rebuilt will only get torn down from the utter nonsense he constantly hears from his so-called "friends", about how he's better off without having me in his life, and how that I am the source of all his problems. That's what brings him down... that's what terrifies me; believing that he will forget me over time because of them. And we'll never be restored to what we once were. It's just everytime it feels like things are all better again, as temporary as it may be, it's just fucked up when they come in. It seems that they think they have the power to get into the situation with more than their fair share. And it's not right. ...It's not fair.

That night, we made the decision to stop communicating for a while. For his own benefit. So he can at least have some time to heal without me involved. So we decided that we can rely on letters first; taking it slow. So I told him I would send him a letter on his birthday. December 14th.

Tory and I talked a little about it when he came over that night. I remembered when he once told me that Sam and Zek were his best friends; the male and female versions (rofl). I felt a bit jealous of that. I guess because I want my "Zek." I'm happy with Tory and Lindsey. But at the same time... it feels like I have this gap. Perhaps this is the reason why I've been feeling lonely from time to time. Something tells me that I will feel complete and at content if I had Steven to fill that gap. But things like that aren't easy... it would take a long time. It just terrifies me that those douche bag friends of his will fuck up what we built and nothing will ever happen.

So since we made this "departure" of our's, I gave Steven the link to my Xanga. Depending on the shit that I put in here, I'm not entirely sure if he'll take the time to read what I have to say. And that could probably bend the rules of our "not communicating." I don't know... but I miss him already.

And to lighten the mood, you're moment of Zen:

ADVENT CHILDRENFINALLY. Music video evry1 lolz!!!11wun
Music video features music by Gackt - Last Song.

Having problems with my Advent Children music video. Stoopid thing won't play in Windows Media Player if I put it in my blog. -_- I'll link it up here after it finishes reuploading (I'm such a /b/tard for deleting it... Rofl.)

I feel like I have a massive head ache, now. Needless to say, this not involved a lot of emotional stress, a heart-to-heart conversation, and a lot of crying. I was really glad that Tory was more than willing to come to Lindsey's in the midst of the night to coax me. But I have this feeling that me and my talks of, "I hope to have a relationship with you as I did with Steven", might've put him on the edge, or something... >< But he's right - not every relationship is the same. As sad as that can be on some points. We've only been dating for about a month, but I hope it lasts at least for a long time with the both of us. Even though relationships don't last forever... You've got to at least "live in the moment."

Grandparents may come down my birthday, so Richmond plans are out... Rofl. Tell you what though - I do plan on buying my own birthday cake with a 4Chan picture on it. Maybe of the Super Saiyan Jesus or Ninjutsu Jesus. Either, or. ROFL. Raptor Jesus may take it too far, tho. Some people can easily offend from that stuff. :P I hope I do get an iPod Nano. I think Gramps is going to get that for my birthday. Those iPods are so easy to drop. :( That's how I totally pwned my last one. As hard as I tried to avoid from dropping the fucker, it always found some way to drop out of my hands. Pisses me off, ROFL. It would also be nice to get another PSP... >_< I totally fried my first one with Sprite... it was so depressing, Rofl. SIGHZ0RZ. -_- But if not the PSP, at least I'll have the Nano. I <3 portable music. :)

I think I'll also change my choice of music in here, too. Cells by the Servants has really stuck on me. O_O

Also been thinking more about my comic concept. Linds introduced me to this documentary on "parallel universes" on the Discovery Channel tonight. It definitely made my concept take a U turn. But I like it! I like the idea of it. While watching it, I suddenly found myself brainstorming, Rofl. I can't wait to spend the day typing up shit for it. :) I really hope this falls through. I feel motivated to work on this one. And once I manage to get at least one concept for each character (there's going to be lots... of the same person, ROFL), I'm going to try and whore it out on Gaia and hopefully get some fan arts and other concepts. I would love to get Steven to help me out a little... but that's a bit out of my league at the moment. >< Maybe I can get Brennan to help me out... maybe I can talk her into doing art trades, ROFL. :P

Anyway, time to crash. Over n' out. :\
And now you're moment of Zen:

http://img366.imageshack.us/img366/4292/11240394483256nb.jpg

Yeah...
Finally, it's a Friday. Well, now it's a Saturday. But I like both daiz, so it does't matter.

Mom came home Friday - got offa work, did some chores, then Tory and I went to go see the Transporter 2. That movie was hella good, but it's incomparable to Advent Chil'rens. *_* I have to post my music video of Advent Children, sometime. It turned out really good, and it's definitely my best one thus far. But like usual, Windows Media Player likes to fuck up the video/music quality. But it's arranged quite nicely.

So we got to see Transporter 2, then Tory got the uber munchies. At first we were going to try to eat at Red Lobster (I was surprised he was actually willing to go *_*), but they were closed. D: Then we tried going to Chilli's, but they were closed, too. And he wasn't in the mood for O'Charley's. lolz not many reserants r open @ 11 sum at nite. But we did go to eat at Logan's, so I was quite content with that. :) I got myself a tidy bowl of potato soup (NO MATCH FOR O'CHARLEY'S POTATO ROUNDS) and sketched a bit while we chatted. Our waitress was pretty cool, too. She wasn't that bad.

After that on the way back, we wound up passing one of Tory's friends on State Street, and she wound up following us and convinced Tory to go to a haunted house with her and her friends. @3@ Needless to say, we wound up having to wait at her house for her for about 20 minutes, watched them eat Taco Bell, watched Mr. Deeds, but no haunted house. It sucked ass. I was disappointed, since the only thing I was looking forward to was the house. >_> I feel kind of bad, though. When it comes to relationships, both people should accomodate themselves to their friends. Well, at least try. But I feel bad, as if I don't fit in, or something. I mean, it's different with like, Zek + other homies and Sam. I guess it's because I know them and they know me. With Vanessa and her major twinkle douche friend Courtney, I feel I don't belong, or something. My first impression when first meeting them was, 'these were the kinds of people that I avoided in high school.' Which is true, I did. And Courtney kind of proved my point. Vanessa doesn't seem that bad. But regardless, I still feel like I can't warm up to his other friends, or vice versa. He still has yet to get to know my other friends besides Jared and Lindsey, Rofl... I really want to go up to Richmond with him sometime and have him meet Sonya, PJ, Rich, Tim, etc.

These past couple of weeks, I've really enjoyed being around Tory a lot (in general I still do, ROFL.) I stayed the night with him last night after the movies and I can't remember when we fell asleep. Then we woke up and my mom wanted me home by ten (-___-), so we only had about an hour and a half left for cuddle time. ROFL. Today was his day off, so he's hanging out with Zek. Felt a bit of "But *I* I wanna be with Tory today... ;-; /sob", but he and Zek haven't been together lately, so I'm not letting it get to me. I feel like I steal Tory away from him sometimes. >< Feel kinda bad about it, Rofl. ._. Just hope Zek doesn't hold anything against me, Rofl. He and I also have been talking lately - he seems to be coping with his thing for his friend Kayla. Hope things work out for him. Zek's a cute d00d, he needs a lady friend. :D

ANYWAY.

I really need to stop doing these hardcore long posts.

As for other shat, as you can see, I've been (heavily) working on my Xanga layout. It's turning out pretty spiffy so far, ganking scripts and codes from left and right to better improve it and make it look better. But that's about it, Rofl.

ANyway. More on the next update. Hopefully my next entry won't be so damn long, Rofl.

PS.
zomg, I'm obsessed with Spideyman. o_o

And your moment of zen:

I think I understand why people can act the way they do sometimes when it comes to relations with other people.

I guess it all comes down to whether one is mature enough to handle a simple situation or two. The way I'm acting at the moment is childish. Few people acknowledge it when theyre childish. That's because I know I am purposely doing it. Why? In a sense I can explain it, yet at the same time, I can't. And another part of me also feels that it's not right for me to do what I'm doing, I guess. I'm in a relationship. But I think somehow it's a lot more than just random flirts and hoards of jokes.

It all comes down to the fact that I am afraid of admitting how I Feel. Possibly attention-wise. But I think it's more than that. It usually is. People have their own ways of dealing with their problems. Here with mine, I do it by blocking, silent treatments, and the deletion of phone numbers and marking them off for deletion on my friend list. I know, that won't really accomplish anything. Kind of like how this journal entry isn't accomplishing anything, since I'd like for it to be read. That maybe I could get my message across indirectly. I guess it's another strike on the list as to how girls can be so God damn confusing. We beat around the bush and don't get straight to the point. We keep you guessing. We keep you wondering and make you think we feel this certain way.

It would be so easy to just get up, send a dinky text message. But at the same time, it would feel like it's not worth it.

I think just what really bothers me, is the fact that I feel I can be dropped like a sack of potatoes so easily and forgotten all about. We all like a little attention. But for most of the time, not from just anyone. We want attention from the individuals that we specifically want it from. And I have a short list, mind you. Quite short.

As I sit here, typing this journal entry, my E-Z Mac is getting cold. But just what bothers me is what I'm having to think about at the moment. To an extent it could drive me crazy. But I think jealousy is due in part to this issue of mine. I am almost convinced that jealousy and envy is incurable. Well, at least for a long time. The only thing that can permanently cure you of it is time, I guess. And sometimes that isn't even enough.

Maybe Midol, or something.

This also brings to my attention the fact that I am several years below age compared to a few friends of mine, I guess. I know I'm immature. But at least some people find it appealing - at least acceptable. It was interesting to hear that immaturity is actually a part of my charm. I guess it brings somewhat of an essence out of me along with my unpredictable and random nature. I like the way I am. But sometimes, I just feel like stabbing at myself. Sometimes I just can't accept what I am. And at the same time, I only can accept myself, since well, it's me.

Thanks, Gackt. For letting me discover a very emo song of your's, Rofl. =/

Having a journal entry such as this is a good way to express one's emotions. Like a confessional. Because you can't confess to someone how you truly feel, your last resort would be a diary. Because then, at least you won't have to worry about feedback like a douche bag remark or a negative comment from the person you are directly writing to. So saying this is a confessional, I guess all I could say is is that I'm sorry. That maybe you'll have the friends you want and won't be so God damn immature as me. That maybe you should also party with your own crowd. I tore the invitation apart and threw it away.

Damn, this Mac is hella cold.

To this is for, you know who you are.

BACK AGAIN! And I didn't quit the internet!

Finally, after deciding, I picked out a decent layout. Wait until the next change... Rofl. Also finally watched Advent Chil'rens. With no subs. It was hella fun getting confused at random scenes with not knowing wtf everyone was talking about. :) But the graffix and characters made up for it liek WHOA.

Oi, my birthday's also coming up. Fun, fun. I hope to go up to Richmond for my birthday... >< I just want to have a good birthday. I don't care about presents (I buy myself presents everytime I get my paycheck. :P) I just want to be with my friends and the homies that heart me big. :\

Bleh, and another thing. I hate jealousy. I know I should feel that way. But, oi, pen0rz plz!!!!123 Rofl. Can't help it. But I'm keeping it to myself until that nasty green troll goes away. :) Because for now, I've got this awesome comic scenario in my head to work on, and I can't wait to get it out into the open. But it's taking so long to come up with a decent plot! >< So hard, ROFL. I'm dying to do character concepts, however. Because it'll be hella fun to do. :) And I think I'm going to have to practice drawing motorcycles and motorbikes... Rofl.

Bleh, I really want to work on the script for my comic idea! I think I will, but only on the parts that I like most. ROFL.

Oi.

I feel poopy like whoa at the moment. Physically, anyway. Rofl. Sore throat, period, and an icky tum tum. D:

Last night Steven called and asked me if I could take in Alex and Bailey, his cats. Apparently his mom told him at the last minute that they were all getting kicked out of their house. Shows how much decency she has.

Don't get me wrong - Betsy's awesome. I miss calling her "Big Momma." ROFL. Oi. I miss having friends' parents that I can connect with. At one point, Steven's home was like a second home to me. Argh. But having him call me last night just irked me, I guess. Everytime he randomly calls I just get this rampant pacing in the heart and I try to control myself from doing anything stupid.

I basically told him that I've given up writing him letters and won't call him anymore. I just feel its better if he's left out of my life. ...At least temporarily. But God knows how long. I'm assuming months, but those could turn into years. Sigh. With him and this new chick he's meeting and all; don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the guy that he's finally met someone new. I don't mind the fact that the two could ride off happily into that clich'e sunset. But what really bothers me is the fact that I feel he's basically "blowing me off", for lack of a better description.

I understand the obvious when it comes as to why he doesn't want to be around me, etc. But when it comes all the way down to not wanting to be around me due to "temptation" of wanting to be with me again and/or not even spending that last day with me before I leave for Richmond, then I have problems with that. Not even my last day in Bristol. Now that stings. Just a bit.

And thus, I didn't really see a point in sending him letters or calling him anymore. Sure, I could be told "it's better than nothing" and "you'll at least still be in contact one form or another", but honestly, it feels like something more than that. Yes, I'm appreciative of the fact that we'll at least still have some communication. But that's all that it will be. Communication. 

Communication.
Communication.

...I just don't know what to do anymore. For the past several weeks now, I've managed to at least try driving him out of my mind. I've come to the conclusion, that when it comes to "first loves", you don't ever stop loving them. You still feel that... "feeling" for them like no other. Like even if you manage to find "that one", you still feel like you have, I guess, two lovers at once. But not quite. Ergh. My opinion.

I've also been doing some research on soul mates and reincarnation for the concept for a comic/graphic novel I thought of. I'll explain that later. But I'm led to believe in the concept of soul mates, and possibly even reincarnation. During my researching, I came to the conclusion that Steven and I possibly "kharma soul mates." The type of soul mates who are bound together by a somewhat chaotic and dysfunctional relationship. That we won't heal and resume back onto the same track as we had once been until forgiveness is achieved, etc. Sigh. Sounds convincing enough for me...

...I miss being in love.

Well yesterday was definitely invigorating and I had a ball. ^_^

After Tory got offa work yesterday, we both burned our own mix CD's and finally headed out to JC around five or six. After that stopped by Sonic (I had teh uber munchies. :gonk:) and then we went straight to the JC mall and into GameStop to check out the games for about half an hour or so. I checked out the Nintendogs demo - it looks so effin' cute! But I wish/hope they would come out with a Ninten... cats or something. xD; I was also debating if I should have bought Guild Wars or not. >< I even called up Josh to ask him about it and it sounded real cool. So I'll probably by both the game and the strategy guide the next time I get paid. :) For now, I'm content with RO and Lineage 2. xD

After GameStop we went up to Hot Topic so I could finally buy that Grr messener bag. It turned out to be so effin' cute! It's not too big, not too small, and it fits snuggly around my torso. :) And it can barely hold my sketchbook and pouch, though. XDD It also has a pouch on one side so I can just throw shit in there (like my DS :P) and also has a part where I can just slide in my "cards." When we went to Books-A-Million I finally got a discount card from there so now I can put it somewhere safe so I won't lose it. XDD

When we went to Boos-A-Million I got an uber The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creating a Graphic Novel. :O It looks so readable and I flipped through it and looked real handy so I got it. I also bought a sketchbook that seemed to have a bit of better tooth for colored pencils than my current sketchbooks, so I bought it; and also because it was a bit smaller than my other sketchbook. xD So I can tote it around with me, ROFL.

Oi, I also forgot to mention that I bought an uber Gr shirt that says, "Aww, I wanted to exploded..." with a sad Gr with his head out of his costume, ROFL. I had to get it.

Then Tory had an uber time when he took me grocery shopping at Wally World back in town. XDDDDDD At liek, around 11 - midnight thirty. ROFL. Wound up going up and down the food side of Wally World around 30 bajillion times so I could buy some food to last me a good while, then I went to go pick out some panties and we found that they're making, it seems, lacy see-through panties and thongs for what it seems to be 14-year old girls and younger. ^_^; ...That's kind of sick. ^_^;

Then we spent about 20 minutes looking at men's boxers and PJ pants since I really wanted a pair of boxers, but seeing the expense of both and how much more comfy the PJ pants were.... well, I wound up buying myself some PJ pants with a Twilight Zone decor all over them. They look so uber!! And so damn comfy. @3@ They  have eyeballs on them, ROFL. I'm being watched. xD...

THEN we fiiiiinally headed back to my house and Tory helped me bring groceries into my nasty house that needs to be cleaned... ^_^;;;;;

OI. And mom texts me yesterday asking me if I could take care of the house for 45+ days if she goes to help the hurricane victims in New Orleans. :gonk: I doubt I could handle that... ;_; And I was really depending on her to help me get my license... ._.

UGH!! D:

Well...
I'm starting to feel a bit better.
I actually wound up dancing in the shower today to Jennifer Lopez and Faithless.
Mom's out of town for about a week and I get paid today,
so hopefully I can help Tory pay for these ginormous gas prices and maybe we can actually have a good time for a while.
Just after having an emotional week, well, I could really use it to get my mind off things.
I've especially wanted to have some quality time with him since, I guess, with work and all that's inbetween, we really haven't spent much time together (mostly due to work, however. :P)
I want us to have fun this holiday weekend. We could really use it. If we can't go to Richmond this weekend, then we can at least spend some time together.
I'm going to start devoting some of my time to driving for a while. Well, at least while James is in town, ROFL. When I practiced driving, I felt I actually did really well (just the fact that I need to pay more attention to the road than to my speed gauge... ><) Other than that, I think I'm ready for this oh-so-easy driving test I've heard about from friends. It better be easy, God dammit. D:
I talked with gramps about my moving to Richmond.
He told me to discuss it with mom, which I'm sure, she won't really care, but rather, but anxious for me to move out, just the fact that I'm "growing up" and actually going to start taking charge of my life, Rofl.
But I asked him if he and gramma could pay for my college if I did consider going to a community college (most likely the one that PJ went to) and tuition and shiz. And they said they would be more than happy to do so! O_O
I even talked about getting what car I want to get (anyone who's anybody knows I want a lime green VW ^_^) and gramps said he would get the car for me when I get my license. O_O!!!
zomg. I hope all this shit happens in the near future, ROFL.
I'm going to try really hard to get my license and car and shiz before Lindsey's birthday.
Because I really, really want to take her out on the night of the town.
Eating at Sushi Blues,
going to the movies,
going shopping,
and best of all
GETTING LOST IN JC. XDDDDDD
We suck at directions, ROFL.
Ugh, I can't wait. I really hope that happens. And hopefully these gimorous gas prices aren't so faggy when I do get my car... ^_^;