I think I understand why people can act the way they do sometimes when it comes to relations with other people.

I guess it all comes down to whether one is mature enough to handle a simple situation or two. The way I'm acting at the moment is childish. Few people acknowledge it when theyre childish. That's because I know I am purposely doing it. Why? In a sense I can explain it, yet at the same time, I can't. And another part of me also feels that it's not right for me to do what I'm doing, I guess. I'm in a relationship. But I think somehow it's a lot more than just random flirts and hoards of jokes.

It all comes down to the fact that I am afraid of admitting how I Feel. Possibly attention-wise. But I think it's more than that. It usually is. People have their own ways of dealing with their problems. Here with mine, I do it by blocking, silent treatments, and the deletion of phone numbers and marking them off for deletion on my friend list. I know, that won't really accomplish anything. Kind of like how this journal entry isn't accomplishing anything, since I'd like for it to be read. That maybe I could get my message across indirectly. I guess it's another strike on the list as to how girls can be so God damn confusing. We beat around the bush and don't get straight to the point. We keep you guessing. We keep you wondering and make you think we feel this certain way.

It would be so easy to just get up, send a dinky text message. But at the same time, it would feel like it's not worth it.

I think just what really bothers me, is the fact that I feel I can be dropped like a sack of potatoes so easily and forgotten all about. We all like a little attention. But for most of the time, not from just anyone. We want attention from the individuals that we specifically want it from. And I have a short list, mind you. Quite short.

As I sit here, typing this journal entry, my E-Z Mac is getting cold. But just what bothers me is what I'm having to think about at the moment. To an extent it could drive me crazy. But I think jealousy is due in part to this issue of mine. I am almost convinced that jealousy and envy is incurable. Well, at least for a long time. The only thing that can permanently cure you of it is time, I guess. And sometimes that isn't even enough.

Maybe Midol, or something.

This also brings to my attention the fact that I am several years below age compared to a few friends of mine, I guess. I know I'm immature. But at least some people find it appealing - at least acceptable. It was interesting to hear that immaturity is actually a part of my charm. I guess it brings somewhat of an essence out of me along with my unpredictable and random nature. I like the way I am. But sometimes, I just feel like stabbing at myself. Sometimes I just can't accept what I am. And at the same time, I only can accept myself, since well, it's me.

Thanks, Gackt. For letting me discover a very emo song of your's, Rofl. =/

Having a journal entry such as this is a good way to express one's emotions. Like a confessional. Because you can't confess to someone how you truly feel, your last resort would be a diary. Because then, at least you won't have to worry about feedback like a douche bag remark or a negative comment from the person you are directly writing to. So saying this is a confessional, I guess all I could say is is that I'm sorry. That maybe you'll have the friends you want and won't be so God damn immature as me. That maybe you should also party with your own crowd. I tore the invitation apart and threw it away.

Damn, this Mac is hella cold.

To this is for, you know who you are.