Saturday night felt like an important night to me, even though it consisted of drama, it seemed. And at the same time... I liked it.

Steven and I had our heart-to-heart conversation. Which it was exactly - a heart-to-heart. It felt like we were revealing our hearts, sharing them with each other. As weird as that may sound. Because with conversations like that, it feels like a Pheonix Down - it revives whatever little of compassion we have left for each other. Restores us from feeling hurt about/from each other. But I only have a feeling that the foundation we rebuilt will only get torn down from the utter nonsense he constantly hears from his so-called "friends", about how he's better off without having me in his life, and how that I am the source of all his problems. That's what brings him down... that's what terrifies me; believing that he will forget me over time because of them. And we'll never be restored to what we once were. It's just everytime it feels like things are all better again, as temporary as it may be, it's just fucked up when they come in. It seems that they think they have the power to get into the situation with more than their fair share. And it's not right. ...It's not fair.

That night, we made the decision to stop communicating for a while. For his own benefit. So he can at least have some time to heal without me involved. So we decided that we can rely on letters first; taking it slow. So I told him I would send him a letter on his birthday. December 14th.

Tory and I talked a little about it when he came over that night. I remembered when he once told me that Sam and Zek were his best friends; the male and female versions (rofl). I felt a bit jealous of that. I guess because I want my "Zek." I'm happy with Tory and Lindsey. But at the same time... it feels like I have this gap. Perhaps this is the reason why I've been feeling lonely from time to time. Something tells me that I will feel complete and at content if I had Steven to fill that gap. But things like that aren't easy... it would take a long time. It just terrifies me that those douche bag friends of his will fuck up what we built and nothing will ever happen.

So since we made this "departure" of our's, I gave Steven the link to my Xanga. Depending on the shit that I put in here, I'm not entirely sure if he'll take the time to read what I have to say. And that could probably bend the rules of our "not communicating." I don't know... but I miss him already.

And to lighten the mood, you're moment of Zen: