Sometimes I just don't understand people.

One of these days, I think he will eventually speak what he really feels than just say what's on his mind when he's "emotional." Often times when one is emotional they say shit they don't mean.

He snapped at me because I assume how he felt and/or wanted. It was hypocritical of him to do the same to me. But only because I didn't tell him anything. I didn't want to bother telling him anything anymore. Even now, I don't think he deserves to know a damn thing. Because to him, anything that spills from my mouth are lies. So what would be the point in telling someone something if all they feel they will get are lies? Apparently he doesn't understand that fact.

He told me he wanted to be with me again if I were my "old self." I'm still my "old self", or whatever the hell side of me it is that he wants. All I know, is that he'll never get to experience it again. All he'll see is this cold-hearted bitch who could really care less as to how he situates his life and lives it.

What he doesn't know, is that I find it hard to even open up myself to him anymore. He wonders why I'm so cold to him. I gave up telling him things. I gave up telling him how I feel what I am thinking. Because for all I care, anything that comes out of my mouth is forgotten and mistrusted. So I find it utterly useless to have anything in my mind leak out to his ears.

I honestly don't see what he expects from our predicament. All I know, is that we want each other out of our lives. And that's what we'll get.

As far as I'm concerned, he can think what he wants. He asked for answers, and I gave them. And no matter what answer I gave, it was still questioned. I've basically lost hope for this guy.

I've other people who make me happy, now. I'm looking forward to meeting Dawid (I really want to ink some of his sketches @_@) and I know I'm going to have a grand time hanging out with him. Tory and I have been hanging out a hella lot lately, and it feels good to be around him again. I don't feel as much tension anymore. I've been hanging out with Jared a bit, and he's a great guy to be around with, and I've also gotten to hang out with Linds and Jared more. I even got to drag my sister with my Johnson City and it was good to hear from her that she enjoys being around me.

I kept thinking about that during my conversation with Steven. Even though I've shared so much, experienced so many firsts, and had a tremendous past with him, it seems that the only thing that links us together is the fact that we are each other's first loves. Yet it appears that we hate each other to the core. I actually want him to hate me. I guess to help him push me out of his life. Even though it's impossible to do so, but for him, it seems to be no problem trying as hard as he can.

Even though I failed with Steven and made so many mistakes, it's clear that I've also learned from them and will learn from the past. Even now, I feel regrets about the damage I've already put on Tory. Because what I've done to  him, it feels like I'm just talking out of my ass when I talk about "learning from the past." I think my main issue is the fact that I'm too much of a self-centered person. I tend to care only about myself, regardless of how other people will feel. At least I admit to that. And I know it's something that I need to fix.

I just don't want to live in a world where people feel they can't believe a word that I say. I don't want to people to distrust me. And it's something that has to be worked with over time. I believe what drew me to Steven is the fact that I had someone so close to me; who could know me inside and out - that knows that I'm not just this immature teenager who still has a few more years to adjust to. To know every aspect of me. Can tell when I'm lying and most of all - someone I feel I can entirely open up with. To where I don't have to worry about having to repeat myself just because I'm not believed, even when I'm telling the truth. That's what I'm looking for. That is what I want most. Just someone. Just one person. Just for me. And I for them.

My true happiness.

Tonight, omg, had soooo much fun. Which started out as planning on going to meet Jared at the mall then going to see Scrooge with Fae and Linds, well, wound up hanging out with Linds, Jared, AND Heather. fomg soo much fun. With insane-o driving with insane-o weather. It was nuts. We just hung out at the mall aboot an hour and a half or so, ate some Chinese (wound up ganking Jared and Heather's meals) and went to Michael's... then these two chickies were walking in the middle of the aisle when I tried to get through and they finally moved over. Coming through, I honk'd my horn and I heard one of them scream bloody murder. And Jared has a nice ass and it's so cute to see him blush everytime I grabbed it. :'D Linds and I also went in to visit the psychic reader and each got ourselves a palm reading fer $5 each. Tarots are $40, so Linds and I are going to come prepared next time. ROFL. We both were told the basics, and maybe even some new things and apparently only good things.

Dawid told me he found 23 grand in his bank account... @_@ Says he's going to get plane tickets this weekend or the following week. Poor fucker has to house sit, but I don't think he has a problem with it... :P But if everything does fall into plan, I need to make some plans myself... @_@

omfg but tonight was hella fun. Didn't get home till aboot 10:40 something... but still, good tiemz. Jared wants me (or us) to come visit him at Applebee's tomorrow night, so I guess we'll see... :P

...I hope nobody forgets about me.

God, suddenly I'm feeling this excruciating loneliness. I feel like poop, and all weekend I just feel like I don't want to be alone. Just wish I had someone here to comfort me and be with me for a day or spend time with me or something.

I feel like I'm just at such a low right now. Just entirely lonely. I thought tonight would help if I did got to hang out with everyone tonight, but I guess not.

It's just this shit feeling I always get from time to time. Like I feel like everyone is just against me behind my back and just tell me things that I want to hear. Like as if the lot of them are better off without me (hence this emo side of myself, Rofl.)

Then I discovered that I have this whack intimidation problem of mine. I feel like with every chick I run into, that I find some sense of superiority in them, I feel very intimidated. High maintanence or not, I just have this fear. I guess that's why I tend to feel more comfortable around males than females. Because I feel intimidated. I know there's always going to be someone else who is better than me, but I'm just afraid that someone will literally feel that way, if not already by now.

It just hurts, is all... because right now I literally do feel like I'm hurting.

I find myself randomly crying, and I can't find the source of it. I guess this whole entry kind of explains it all. I just fear that people will move on - like they'll find someone better to be around with and just leave me in the dark.

I guess I should try to branch out and meet more people... now that I have my car, I can take advantage of that idea. Jared was a real cool guy to hang out with - he certainly made me smile a lot. So maybe I can hang out with him more, among others.

Mom is supposed to loan me some moneys this weekend. So when that happens, I'm filling up my gas tankage and hitting the road to JC (God knows why) or maybe even go do Shang Hai or Java Jay's again and just... do alone stuff. ROFL. Or maybe sometime soon, when I feel comfortable enough, maybe I'll even meet halfway with Sonya and PJ and stay with the one of them for the weekend.

...Or maybe I can work toward that idea to moving in with Sonya. Who knows.

Times like these, I wish Dawid were here. He's a real great friend, and I'm really excited to meet him when he's able to visit. With it him it feels like I can build the same friendship as I did with Steven... and that's something that I feel I really both need and want right now. With Dawid, I don't have to worry about being criticized, insulted, lied to, or alone... I can be myself. And regardless of the fact that he's an ocean away (as most people would think, it sounds retarded and sad in its entirety), I'm glad to at least have someone to talk to when I have problems or need help or a shoulder to mentally cry on. I know I've got friends here who are more than willing to do what Dawid can do (if not more.) But I guess it's a little different with him, even though he's just pixels and words.

Posted 12/3/2005 at 11:13 PM

Well, so much for tonight's hang out.

Right now, I feel kinda awkward.

To be honest, I can't really even find one thing that's wrong with my life (except for maybe the fact that I still have yet to get paid from work an I'm broke, and the fact that I am still job searching for another job and need to go to school... XD).

I'm so glad that I can finally drive on my own now with my own car. This opens up a whole new world for me to experience. Because of my car, I feel like I can just.. leave when I'm not happy. I can drive somewhere, and if I have the money, maybe even get a hotel for a day or two. This means I can hang out with my friends a little more than usual, and even do more things with them. I plan on doing a lot of shit with Linds, rather than having us sitting around on our computers all day when I stay over. We can eat out, go to movies, go shopping and maybe even road trip a little bit together. Not only Linds, but I can also meet some of my other friends that I can now see that I couldn't before - like maybe finally hanging out with P-Chan (because I miss him so ;_;), Jared (I have to keep practicing driving to JC!), hang out with Tory more and randomly come to his house and steal him away (:P), and maybe, if I can some time, try driving to Richmond to be with my friends up there, as well (apparently I am missed... ^_^;) I'm just really, really grateful for this car that I have. And I want to take advantage of it at every chance I get.

That's a good thing.

It feels my mum and I are on good terms, for now. I hate it when people are mad at me, especially mom.

Been feeling weird about Steven, though. Which is prolly what's been bringing me down as of late. I don't want to be around him anymore. Because the last couple of times that I have, I just get this eerie feeling like I'm not wanted/needed and he's better off without me hanging around him, anyway. He's got his own life, now - school, work, and a loving girlfriend. Prolly something that I can't ever be. So I'm just going to distance myself until I see fit.

Dawid seems to have a poopy birthday. I know the feeling. My 18th was rather crap. I could name off some other people who are in the club.

I also feel I can't open up to Tory about some things, now. He keeps reassuring me that he blurted out a few things that weren't meant to be told and that it won't happen again. But I want to prevent future slip-ups and just not open up to him about certain things. I can trust him, sure. But with things that go on between us and my view points on certain people, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Because the person he apparently opened up to probably doesn't understand the phrase, "there are two sides to every story." I know when I'm not liked, so I'm not going to tolerate anymore bullshit than I have to. Sometimes I wish people would just open the hell up if they don't like someone, rather than being a two-faced douche.

But aside from that, I just hope that Saturday brings good bearings for me. I'm supposed to gank Tory fer the night to go to Sushi Blues with Linds, Fae, and I. Then again, I'm not even sure if we're going to eat at Sushi Blues or just get some sushi from Kroger's and eat at Stephen and Dan's again. :P Either or, I can't wait to hang out with everybody.

I also plan on working my Spidey chick comic. After reading the last four issues of Skottie Young's Legend of the Spider-Clan, I was really excited and inspired to put forth some effort into my comic. Just... need to work on a title first... ^_^;

Everything is swell in my life right now. I've loving friends even though I don't have many (which is hella better than nothing), I've got a car to do all kinds of escapades with, I'm really excited to look for another part-time (or full-time) job, and I'm actually hyped up to work on my comic again.

...I just need a little money. :P

Tonight was a poopy night.

This afternoon I came home from work and went to feed my dogs, then to see that one of them had passed away. He's a rottweiler named Carabou. And considering his living conditions, death was probably better for him anyway. I know I could have put forth some effort into the care and keeping of him. But knowing me, I'm just too damn lazy. However, it's believed his cause of death was due to worms. As much as my grandmother fed those guys with Thanksgiving left overs, cook-it-yourself mashed potatoes, doggie biscuits and snacks, and what have you; well, he still remained thin. Mom was supposed to take him into the vet sometime soon... but I guess she can't, now.

But at least he's in a better place, now.

"Rest easy, pal." I told him, as I wrapped him in a sheet.

And amidst the situation, for some reason, it feels like I can see what true friends I have. I knew I would wind up burying the guy alone, so I obviously needed help... I asked Tory if he would be willing to come out tonight, but I didn't think he wanted to be out too late. So I called Linds who came just as night fell and watched me dig the base of the hole. Decided she could only help by helping me move him, so I just took her back home. I figured I would wait till tomorrow in daylight to see what the hell I was doing and work on putting him in the hole later...

I felt like pewp. I was really looking forward to getting in some applications to look for some hiring places, so since Tory said night time prolly wasn't a good idea, we checked up on movie times and went to go see Aeon Flux (sp?) - kick ass movie, by the way (with a kick ass movie buddy!) Also managed to run my car into the curb in front of my car nearly... ROFL. Coulda hurt the thing scrape, so I checked and it was a-okay (thankfully. I would have been mauled by mom. @_@)

Anyway... felt really emo on the way back, since mom called and basically told me that I had to finish burying the dog tonight, since she was out of the town till tomorrow evening to play soldier. Since Linds was busy, and I didn't want to interrupt her plans with Andy, I called up Steven... and given the circumstances, was entirely grateful that he came to my aid in helping me bury Carabou.

...I knew he would.

I know it probably bothered him just because it was me, and considering how... the current situation was, I knew he'd come help me. I knew Lindsey would as well, but I didn't want to soil her cute little hands and interrupt her Friday night. :P But we managed, and from what it seemed (considering how the ground started to get near solid as Steven kept digging the rest of the way), Carabou is decently buried... I'm going to make checks on him to make sure nothing scrounges in the dirt...

I just hope my weekend looks up. My gramps got the ATM cards I was supposed to get (ROFL) so I'm really hoping I got some in the mail. If not, maybe gramps can try sending them to me... I could use the money this weekend. Saturday, I hope, Linds, Jared, Fae, and I are supposed to go the Johnson City to hang out with Steve and Dan (and a possible Sushi Night at Sushi Blues!! @3@) Omfg, that would be entirely awesome.

Anyway... to take the full advantage of my car - I'm probably going to go for a night drive to cool off and relax... And maybe I got those cards in (I doubt it) and grab a little cash. I could go for a hot cocoa and toasty bagel...

PS. - Sorry about the novel, again... Rofl. 

PS. Ahead of time - sorry about the novel. XDDD

Welp, as far as I can see it, things seem to be going pretty well. Today I'm finally getting my car, so it's going to be so awesome now that I get to go do my own laundry and shop whenever I want or get the munchies. XDDDD No moar walking in the colds fer me. XDjajajajaja SO awesome.

I'm really excited about next year, too! @3@ Linds, Fae, and I plan on going to the Anime Mid-Atlantic convention together - it's going to be hella!! And if everything goes accordion to plan, Dawid should be living here by now and he'll be coming with us, too. XDD Sonya has already bought a table on artist alley, and all four of us are going to do arts and sell some shat. It's going to be sooo awesome. ^_^ But either or, I'm still going to AMA by myself or not. :D But I think I know fer a fact that Linds will come with me. WOOOO.

I can't wait till I git my car. I'm going to pimp it up, first, with my ultra Green Day sticker to put on the back winder of my car (Tory says this is supposedly not pimping, but I like to think so. :P) I can't wait till I start driving it, because I really, really wanna take Linds and Jared (and maybe Tory, if he feels like it. :DD) to the Speedway in Lights in my car. ^_^ It would be so fun, and maybe eat at the Philidelphia Grill or O'Charley's for dinner. I've already told Linds and Jared about it, and of course, I know Linds will go. XDDD Just gotta convince Jared someway to go (if he feels safe enough in my car with me, ROFL.) God, I've missed Jared... ;_; Just ever since he left for ETSU we had hardly seen him in like, two thousand years... He and I actually randomly were on chat a coupla daiz ago, and it was nice talking to him, even though I mostly got "LOL's" or "YOU IDIOT." XDD It feels like me, Linds, and Jared are getting back to normal... it feels like I've got my old "groupies" again, and I am hella content with it, even though we might see him about every other weekend... ^_^; omfg Linds, Fae, and I might hang out this weekend, too. Fae is so awesome!! And she's... the epitomy of cute! *Happy tears.* Very few girls can pull off the whole kitty effects and the random cute Japanese phrases that she does... and it's so cute! With her and Linds around, I feel like I'm going to blow a cute load!! ROFLMFAO. Linds has told me about Fae and her lack of friends and I guess I could say in the trust department... but Fae is awesome. She kind of reminds me of a female Jared (minus the faggotry XD) - she's cute and fun and really sweet, but she can also be a smart ass and an asshole sometimes (I have yet to see her full asshole potential, ROFL. Being an asshole can be good sometimes! Apparently I can be one, or so Dawid says so, Rofl.)

Okay, that paragraph was getting too huge, ROFLMFAO.

But anyway, Linds said Fae wanted to hang out with us (come to think of it, I wonder if she really likes me? @3@ She likes Linds tho, that's for sure...) And the three of us want to introduce Fae's brother and his boyfriend to Jared. XD Jared would love those guys, they're so awesome! That night when we had our "sushi night" while watching... ack, wtf movie was that... uhm. I can't remember, ROFL. But before that, we were also watching some of Queen of the Damned and Dan talked to us about Anne Rice and how he actually conversed with her on the phone. o_o Both Steve and Dan are really awesome - Steve is artistic, and a good artist at that (still have yet to add him to my dA. xD) and Dan, well, at first glace he wouldn't even seem gay. xD Prolly because he and Steve aren't fags. ROFLMFAO. But they're ultra cool, and so was Fae's cousin. I really hope we all get to hang out again sometime, it was a blast.

It feels good to feel accepted into a group. I remembered reading one of Fae's away messages not too long ago, and went something along the lines of "I'm out in JC trying to handle some family problems... try giving me a call later or sometime - especially those of us who have a love of sushi!!" - <333 I still would love to get to know Fae some more, and it would be so awesome if I wound up having another femme best friend... XD I have very few female friends that I feel I can connect with. ^_^;

December's coming up, and I've gotta get some presents, too! @_@ Linds and Jared and I talked about whether if we should get each other gifts or not. Each year we never really do, but if we really wanted to, we could. ROFL. I'll just see how much my funds hold up. But I have a feeling I'll be getting them something. ^^; I'm definitely going to get Tory a Christmas gift, and since Steven is all about me not getting him anything, I'm going to get him a birthday gift. MUUUAHAHHAH LOOP HOLE - now you can't do anything about it, Streven. ROFLMFAO.

CHIBI VADER APPROVES.

Ugh. Also found the cable to my camera. @_@ I'm sooo happy I found that damn thing. Now I can take some new pics. :DDD

Ugh, I want to go apartment hunting, now~! @3@ Dawid keeps telling me that when he stops here on his adventure in the United States (he's also visiting JoJoJoJoJo over in Arizona, I think Betsy in California, if not, prolly his boss. ROFL. And sexy butt D up in Canadia - she's so awesome. ;_;) he wants me to help him go apartment hunting. So we're definitely going to do that. I really would love to get an apartment down in State Street... I see what work they've been doing on them and they look so grand. @_@ But I would love most, is to live together with Fae, Linds, and Jared (and maybe Dawid, if he's still living here, ROFL.) But either way, I'd love to live with my friends. ^_^ I would love nothing more than to wake up everyday and hearing Linds and Fae bitching at me for not cleaning up after myself and Jared sleeping the days away. Working at a bookstore and drawring with Dawid, taking road trips to Richymond to visit Sonya and friends, hanging out with everyone whenever I'm able to... ugh.

This sounds like the perfect life for me...

And I have a feeling that if I work hard enough to make it come true, I'm sure it'll happen. Just... takes time. @3@

Posted 11/30/2005 at 12:41 PM

It hurts the most when you feel how helpless you can be.

Holy dammit, I love Molly. O_O She's so... cuddly and furry. ;_; God I love this cat. Yes, Molly and Jesse now have new nicknames: Bunny Girl and Slug Cat. XD GOD, Jesse has such an awesome nickname!! And Molly... it's like she was a rabbit reincarnated into a cat, or something. Rofl.

Omfg, I can't wait till Thanksgiving. But I am really craving taters and Wally chicken tenders hardcore...

And I should be getting my car sometime this month. It's going to be so awesome. And when I do, first place I'm going, is taking Linds to the mall with me.

Molly and Jesse are my children. /sob

Ugh, I feel like I'm being random or something. I just want to post in here fer today.

Did some PaintChat, omfg, that was fun. :'D

OMG OMG OMG And I've been working on my comic hardcore, too. Half of it is mostly scribbles, though. But I've got about 11 pages sketched out, and I'm not going to ink it until I finish a certain scene, Rofl. So awesome. @3@ Then I might try starting on ANOTHER comic based on Linds, Jared, and I. Except Linds and I are going to be doods. This is going to be GRAND. I'm going to make for a hawt dood. And Jared, of course, will be Jared. I think he's going to be hella happy now that I'm actually going to try to put forth some effort into doing this thing, since actually, both he and Linds have been looking forward to be doing one even before school ended. @_@ I was debating if I should make Jared a hermaphrodite, though. ROFLMFAO. But I don't think he'd go over that. That would be cool though - two guys and a lesbian? Rofl. I dunno. I'll talk it over with him.

I think that's aboot it fer my ramblings today. D:

Tory and I also plan on having this uber Chinese dinnar fer Christmas. ^_^ Because for some reason, I want to just go to a  buffet and eating fuckin' Chinese for Christmas dinner. It would be so nice. D:

Sigh.

Sometimes it just feels like it's hard to be convinced that someone just likes me for who I am. I keep asking around about that. Because apparenly to some  people I'm too immature for their tastes. People who think that, well, I feel they should just fuck off and don't deserve to be involved with my life. It's just the way I am. As childish as I make myself out to be, if anyone reads this God forsaken journal, they should know damn well there is a lot more to me than being stupid and random. I'm not going to put up with people if they don't like me for me. Yeah. I know I've got some growing up to do. You won't find a lot of people admitting that. But it'll come. I'm not going to sit here and make myself over to just please ignorant assholes out there.

As long as I am armed with my Linds and Jared, my sexy butt friends, I'll be aweseome. Because those friends I can trust myself with and are definitely worthy of being around my existence.

I think I'll continue writing out another entry for tonight. I believe I've come to the decision that I should just make friendly with everyone again. Well, maybe no entirely everyone. All I'll have to do is just not trust anyone and/or open up to them. Because it seems like even if I do open up to anyone it backfires. I actually believed a lot of what Hamilton had to say to me. And some of it without a doubt. I guess as long as I don't leave myself open for hurt, I'll be fine. Dawid got hella emo tonight; it's been more like a day or two, now. D: Reminded me a lot of Steven when he would... However he's not Steven, so somehow I had to take a new approach to the situation. It's weird how Dawid and Steven are so a like. Both are hella emotional. Both have gone through so much shat. ...Both have dealt with crap ex's like me. However, I don't view Dawid as being so biased. Tonight it feels like I was enlightened, like I said. Maybe it was a good thing I talked to Hamilton. Because for once I actually took my own words to heart - "There are two sides to every story..."

Had a nice short n' sweet chit-chat with Hamilton tonight.

I think I was enlightened.

"First love, the love that clings to my heart forever, no matter how much pain it has caused, no matter how many tears have fallen, first love will never leave my soul."

...Somehow that quote just stuck with me after I read it. :')

Just because someone claims to be your friend or makes themself out to be a trustworthy person, it doesn't mean that you should ultimately trust them or be their friend. Sadly, I keep finding that out the hard way.

I guess we need a two-faced douche bag here or there to keep the world going 'round, thinking they can fix things to their own desires.

Thanks.

Thanks for being another let-down.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how many people out there are generally FUCKED when they think they've found another trust-worthy person, who only winds up to only bring more drama and screw things over for them. Yeah, I'm referring to not only myself, but maybe a few others who could concur. And yes, that person could probably be reading this journal entry. Good for them, they need to be fucking enlightened. It's really sad when you think you know somebody. Maybe not on a personal level, but to know them well enough where you think you can trust them. Think. I'm just really fed up with this bullshit. I can't take another disappointment. I don't need another person to look down on me and think they know the whole spectrum of me. And you know what? I'm not even going to have any interactions with this person anymore. Just one less fucking two-faced dick to deal with. Don't ask questions. Don't wonder who it is I'm referring to. It's probably best that you are left in the dark.

You know what I really hate.

Waking up early in the morn for some early chores, then trying to go back to sleep. That's been a bitch lately, since it takes me about an hour and a half or so to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I still feel wide awake and went to bed early last night? ROFL. All week I've been going to bed hella early. I mean... I went to be around 9:30 last night. That's hardcore. But then I wake up in the mornings, and I see there is... nothing to do. Ugh. I need to get back to staying up all night again, Rofl.

Anyway, I finally created my art blog here on Xanga. Once it's ready and fully loaded, I'll hit everyone up with the link if they ever so choose to check it out. :P

Also changed the layout. So far so good, it's not screwing up for me like a lot of past layouts have. I hope I don't get any complaints this time...! :ninja:

I could also see that Hamilton and Danielle tried adding me to their MySpace friends list. I added Hamilton at first... but then to see Danielle try adding me shortly after, I just got rid of them both. The last thing I need is just another connection to those guys that will lead to more shit and start up crap from what they read about in my MySpace. I know, sounds stupid. But at least more than half the people on my own friend list either, a) don't know about the people I talk about, 2) KNOW what I'm talking about, but are obligated to keep their mouths shut and not start shit, or #) just don't read what I post and could care less.

Last thing I need is more drama and bullshit rumors about me.

Apparently we've got problems with my current layout, so I'll be changing it soon enough. :P

Ugh, I really hate sleeping in so much. ^_^; Because I'll wake up around 10 - 11... and I'll sit there, thinking, "Wtf else would I have to do if I woke up now?" So I just go back to sleep. Then I wake up around 12, and THEN I find out things to do... Rofl. God, I hate that. I think I'll go back to sticking with my waking up at 10, even though Dawid's all, "DONT FORCE YERSELF TO WAKE UP AT SO-AND-SO TIEM JUST LET YOURSELF WAKE UP" >_> Which I have been doing for the past few weeks, Rofl, but... I need to change my sleep schedule. -_-

So yesterday I had a blast.

Mom woke me around 1 or so asking if I wanted to go to JC. Assuming that Fae and Linds wouldn't be going, I agreed to it and we went. We went to BAM! (I kept seeing the hawt dood who works there, which in turn, Fae thinks is gay... ^_^;;;), hung out in the cafe fer a bit to ink and wait on mom. Then we went to China Chef to eat, and I thought, "Hay I'm in JC, I could call Jared so I can meet his faggort ass." So I called up Jared, letting him know, so he can meet us at the Chef. I think he was a bit reluctant at first since my mom was going to be with me... XD But then Linds called me right after saying she and Fae were on their way, so Jared was on his way as well. I wound up waiting on Jared aboot a half hour in the Chef inking and stuff. ROFL.

Then Jared and I went off to Michael's and he wound up buying me a Micron because he "apparently realized that he didn't need a pen so he gave it to me so the starving children in Africa wouldn't suffer." XD FAG. Rofl. Then we randomly went to Home Depot, then we went to Toys R Us to browse the Barbie section (because I really want one. ^^;) until Linds called me and we met her, Fae, and her cousin Sharon at the Jade Tree. We wound up browsing, then waitig on them fer like an hour or so, ROFL. Jared went to werk, and I felt reluctant to go to Fae's brother's house, since I was starting to feel hella emo and tired. :\ But it turns out that I was glad to go, because we went to Kroger's getting a shiiiiiat load of sushi, and got me some Mandarin oranges and the awesome smacking chocolate oranges. XD

Then we went to their house, where I met Steve (Fae's brother) and his boyfriend Dan (who is hella awesome and hella gentlemanly o_o) and their friend Mark (at least I think that's what his name is... @3@) We had a blast just chowing down on all the sushi, watching some of Queen of the Damned, then threw in Practical Magic until toward the end we had to cut it off early to watch some Family Guy and American Dad around 9. Then we left a bit shortly after, and man, I had a hella time. It was fun, since I hadn't had fu with a group of people like this before, and I felt hella comfortable around these people. I really hope to hang out with them more - like having a sleep over slumber party or something. XD And I love Steven and his boyfriend - they're also the type to hate the fags. ROFL. Dan said they can't stand them, which in turn, they nevar really go to NewBies. XD

But ever since the con, I've found a new friend in Fae. I always thought her to be this..  kinda well, not snobby, but borderline. ^^; But now that I've gotten to know her, she's hella cute and is just a lonely person. And she's all up for going to AMA with me. ^_^ (Because I planned to go with someone or not! XD) So I think Linds, Fae, and I have nearly made official plans to go to the AMA con together and hanging out in the artist alley with Sonya's table (which I'm sure she'd love to hang out with us, too! It would be hella! O_O), and Fae thought maybe we all could do some collabs and sell our arts and pimp up our table. XDDD And if we're lucky, Dawid might be living here by then, ROFL. And he'll come with us too, surrounded by vaginas. ROFL. Fucking fag, lolololol.

Ugh. Just felt really nice last night to actually be around people who aren't two-faced and feel comfortable with without having to be critisized. D: I can't wait till I get my car. I'm going to do soooo much with it. ^_^

HAY DOODS. Back again, and this time with just a dinky art update. :P Nothing special here, but the fact that I've been doing some hardcore inks and a lot of people happen to be very proud of the work I've done thus far. ^_^

Here are my current inks I've done so far:
(Sketches by the lovely Dawid Strauss.)


  

...And my current WIP:





I'm thinking about starting up a new art blog on Xanga. So if I find a decent layout and set it up juuust right then I'll post it for everyone's viewing pleasure. ^_^; I've been lacking a lot of inspiration lately, so I have nothing better to do THAN to make an art blog and sit around inking all day... XD

Baker, baker, baking a cake
make me a day, make me whole again.
And I wonder what's in a day?
What's in your cake this time?
I guess you heard he's gone to L.A.
he says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
and he tells me I pushed him away
and my heart's been hard to find.
Here, there must be something here.
There must be something here.
...Here.
Baker, baker, can you explain?
If truly his heart was made of icing
and I wonder how one could taste,
maybe we could change his mind?
I know you're late for your next parade.
You came to make sure
that I'm not running.
Well, I ran from him, in all kinds of ways.
Guess it was his turn this time.
Time, thought I'd make friends with time.
Thought we'd be flying.
...Maybe not this time.
Baker, baker, baking a cake
make me a day, make whole again.
And I wonder if he's okay.
If you see him, say hi.

Rei Chan YoYo: Do you think Penelope Parker would be a gewd name for my femme Spidey?
Plaguekeeper: i like it
Rei Chan YoYo: Friends can call her Penny... ROfl. Or Pen.. I dunno.
Rei Chan YoYo: Dawid thought of it a whileb ack
Plaguekeeper: playing off the peter thing
Rei Chan YoYo: and now that I think aboot it sounds cool. ;D
Rei Chan YoYo: :D
Plaguekeeper: i like it
Rei Chan YoYo: Wanna see my concept artses of her?
Plaguekeeper: you have my stamp of approval
Plaguekeeper: of course i want to see arts
Rei Chan YoYo: XD
Plaguekeeper: gotta hurry
Rei Chan YoYo: Coming from j0 that's a big stamp of approval. xP
Rei Chan YoYo: kk
Plaguekeeper: it is actually
Plaguekeeper: im very critical of comic arts
Rei Chan YoYo: Slow ass computer. ~.~
Rei Chan YoYo: Dawid is also a big Marvel/DC/what have j0 whore. ^_^;;;
Rei Chan YoYo: So he's helping me on it, too.
Plaguekeeper: sweet
Plaguekeeper: you seriously should take it and show it to skottie
Rei Chan YoYo: hates anime, but is helping me. XD
Plaguekeeper: he did spidey afterall
Plaguekeeper: and vemon
Plaguekeeper: venom
Rei Chan YoYo: XD
Rei Chan YoYo: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v246/Yanxie/Sketches/spidey.png
Rei Chan YoYo: My first concept arts of her.
Plaguekeeper: cool
Plaguekeeper: rei..seriously
Plaguekeeper: take your artz to skottie
Plaguekeeper: theyre good
Rei Chan YoYo: And a peice o' fan arts someone did for me on Gaia
Rei Chan YoYo: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v246/Yanxie/Spideychick/lomein10rz.png
Plaguekeeper: quit bein a wussy
Rei Chan YoYo: D:
Plaguekeeper: seriously
Plaguekeeper: you do good arts
Rei Chan YoYo: DId you tell him about my arts?
Plaguekeeper: dont be scared
Plaguekeeper: no
Plaguekeeper: my fone calls with him are all business
Plaguekeeper: we're both usually busy to no end
Plaguekeeper: but i told him theres a ton of people who love his arts and want to meet him
Plaguekeeper: he is extremely excited
Plaguekeeper: you have no idea
Plaguekeeper: get some stuff together
Rei Chan YoYo: XD
Plaguekeeper: you never know it could be your first step to something bigger
Plaguekeeper: you never know unless you take the chance
Plaguekeeper: i gotta go back to work..you can yahoo me or ill message you later on
Rei Chan YoYo: kk :D
Plaguekeeper: cya dood
Rei Chan YoYo: Talk to j0 later~
Rei Chan YoYo: I'll think about it. ><
Plaguekeeper: she-fag
Rei Chan YoYo: XDDDD
Plaguekeeper: :-P
Rei Chan YoYo: BYE! ROFL.
Plaguekeeper: laters

...Amazing how people can have faith in me. *reluctant sweat drop...*

omg omg omg I've been doing some hardcore poetry as of late. D: I made up a new Sheezy account, and being me, I pose as a dewd. XD If you want to check up on my workage, http://SergetheGreat.SheezyArt.com <- heeyuh. Very emo at that, but good nonethless. ^_^

Also debating if I should go to the comic con or Nekocon. D: Mike IM's meh asking if I'm going to either or and saiz that I should really come and meet Skottie, but being me, I keep declining me showing him some of my arts. If anyone, it should be Steven doing that. ^_^; It's just weird... like in the eyes of most people my arts could be awesome. But in the eyes of professionals or superior artists, it's liek... my art doesn't really match up to their's, or something. Well, obviously, since they're professionals. ^_^; Sigh. I told Dawid aboot Skottie going to our school and how he did a ceiling tile of the X-Men. And he was all, "I won't be looking at it, I'll be stealing it!!!" ROFLMFAO.

Oi, and today I'm supposed to try to go to the DMV and hopefully take the driver's test... I've been driving hardcore lately in Tory's car since it's so hella awesome. ^_^ So I pray that I can pass this test... and try to put some of my ADD to the side. XD

Anywaz0r mom made some kickin' ass sauce last night for spaghetti (it's not so damn spicey this time. XD) so I'm going to get some eats. CIAO CIAO~

What happened...

to that sarcastic asshole that even regardless of his doucheness, everyone still got along with him?
And of the big sweet red head and who would cheer you up when you looked down with his wit?
What even happened to that giggly artsy girl that got along with just about everybody and kept everyone in line?
Or even the guy that anyone could get along with, who in turn random people in Wally World would probably consider some Satanic freak?

And the two lovers who are no longer with us and got along with anybody and everybody?
Or even the chick, as much as she craves the attention and hearts of everyone around her?
Or even the witty artist who would appear reclusive at first, but in turn actually turn up to be the coolest guy you'd ever meet?

And what about the fag and the two best friends who constantly hung out and got along with that extraordinary group of friends that they all once were?

Before all of the deception,
before all of the greed and hate,
before we all judged and lied and cheated.

Even now that group still exists... but even now that group is no longer even sane. They no longer match up to expectations. They no longer help the least fortuante or hope for the best. The only thing that can really matter now are the memoirs that were once shared. Of what used to be. Of what could have been for years to come. These people were once called "friends." And now they're avoided at all costs.

...So here's to the nights we felt alive. Here's to the tears we knew we'd cry. Here's to goodbye to tomorrow, that has come by too soon.

As much as we can't stand each other, as much as we loath one or the other, and even as much as we hate each other for what we've done... I can at least give a thanks for actually experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime friendship with these amazing people who I used to call friends. Even though they may not be listening... at least I know how I feel, regardless of their caring level. For once I'm missing something that I used to enjoy so much. But it is better to have done so, than to have never experienced one before.

Even though you guys can't hear me.

Thank you.

I'm feeling crazy emo at the moment. I dunno, maybe it's just the weather. Maybe it's because Dawid is irking me. Just a few complications here or there, and his own pewpiness. I don't know how to convince him otherwise.

I think he needs James Mason.

Anyway, I think another addition to my emoness is the fact that I totally suck at getting around on deviantART. Rofl. Dawid asks if I want him to pimp me out, and I just say, "NO NIGGA." Somehow I don't think my anime-ness can fit in with his uber Marvel-esque groupies. Even though he laughed at me when I called them his groupies, Rofl.

I'm in the mood for this crazy, big-ass warm dinner meal. Makes me wish Thanksgiving would come already.

Lately I've been tramatized with heart burn. It's really starting to bother me. Tory told me about how his mom kept having it and burned away at a lot of her esophagous. Htf you spell that. x_x I'm not entirely paranoid about it, but last thing I want is the worst to happen, Rofl. I don't want to get shafted just because I hate to swallow pills.

I finally got rid of that stupid dresser in the corner of my room. Now my room looks hella spacious, it's scary. Since I also have this massive pile of crap that I need to go through, which actually doesn't sound like a bad idea for tomorrow, I feel like I want to.. move stuff around. x_x I also want to buy some new furniture... Ugh. Don't know how I'll go about doing that, though. I just want some more effin' room in this cell of mine. And now that the season has gotten colder, my room gets colder. But I think I'm a lot more fortunate this time. This time, I've windows that actually keep the cold out, I finally stuffed a pillow that will actually STAY inside this hole in my wall (I'll punch the next cat that tries to pry it open, Rofl) and for once, the heat is actually coming through my single vent in my room. And I think I even have a heater that actually radiates heat this time. My room isn't the warmest atm, but at least my fingers don't feel like icicles. Which is good, because I've got about three or four pictures lined up for inking... Rofl.

Speaking of which, massive art update:

Weird how people can have an effect on me. Lately I've actually been practicing with some monochromatic sketches, and for once, actually quite proud of them, ROFL. Just need to practice a bit more with my cross hatching. But I want to learn some more sketching techniques. ^_^ It's interesting, tho - because of Dawid's work, I've actually started to pay more attention to my sketches, and also realizing how fun it is to work with pencils. Because with pencils  you can correct a mistake your fucked up on and actually add a lot more effects and do a lot more with pencils. However, this doesn't mean that I'll give up on my Inking no Jutsu, Rofl. Still practicing hardcore with that. And also a big thanks to Dawid, for indirectly teaching me that it's a good idea to do warm-ups before actually working on a good pic. I feel so flattered that I manage to learn so much from two amazing artists such as Steven and Dawid. Something tells me that I am one hella lucky sumabish, Rofl.

As for my Spidey comic, argh, I think once the weekend comes up and nothing big happens (like anything usually does...) I'm going to sit down and just write out prolly the entire first chapter of my comic. Then again... I think I should come up with character names first. XD The Idiot's Guide to Creating a Graphic Novel is such an awesome book. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who plans to go into the comicing field. I've learned a lot from it, as well. But as more ideas and updates come with that comic, I'll keep anyone updated as to whoever is reading my blogg0rz, ROFL. UGH. And I'm heavily debating if I should go to Nekocon or the Bristhell Comic Fest... ;-; I would so love to commission Skottie Young (Steven got me loving that guy's work, Rofl. Dawid = also big fan. XD) Ugh... I just don't want to run into anyone that I've been trying to avoid for the past few months at Nekocon if I do choose to go... ._. Last thing I want is more drama. Maybe I should get Linds to get some inside scoops from Danielle... ROFL.

Right now it just feels like a lot is on my mind. Right now... it feels like there are a couple of people in my life that feel so special to me who make me out to be like... this "goddess", for lack of a better word. I feel so God-awful about, too. Because often times I feel like I'm not deserving of other peoples' sacrifices. It's amazing how I could even have that effect on people... And given my past experiences, it makes me feel like I shouldn't really be worth over 13 grand. But the least I could do, regardless of how pewpy I may feel as the situations come and go, I'm at least more than thankful. Because for once, I don't feel so lonely anymore.

Entirely grateful for those who find it in their hearts to love me as much as they do. Because I'd never find it anywhere else.

...Even you, Steven.

'Kay, somehow I can't stand this Pride layout. It's being a bitch. So I'm going to redo it sometime soon.

We had an uber radical storm last night. It made me tingle!! And I should have saved peices from my last layout so I wouldn't have to redo the navigation again... but, oops! Power went out. Silly me. ^_^; So I'll have to redo that shit all over again. ROFL. Ah, well. I think Dawid will at least be proud that I choose the layout that he picked for me. ROFL.

"HAY HELP ME PICK OUT A LAYOUT"

*Shows two*
*After ten minutes of deciding*
"That one."
"I'll use the Pride one. ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^"
"f u"

ROFL.

Can't wait to get a newer layout. Because I think I'm going to transform this blog into part art blog, part regular... ol' nasty emo blog. ROFL. It just doesn't feel the same trying to do it on any other website. ^_^; Except for Sheezy, anyway. God I <3 that place. Its downtimes just make me want to punch a baby, however. Plus I love customizing my blog. So it's hella fun.

Ugh, so many layouts to choose from. D: I would love to use this Vincent layout, but it's... rather repetive... Rofl. However, this Tifa layout, I think, looks tempting. So I may wind up using it... But then there is the one Dawid picked out. So I dunno. But all I know, is that I need to pick one SOON. -_-

Because I've got some  updates that need making. XDDD I think I'll decide after posting this entry. Then just make a newer one later. :P

OMG actually did some new artses. ^_^





Finally updating, so here's two artses Dawid did for meh. ^_^


  


Just woke up. Didn't get some sleep till liek five in the AM. Then mum woke me up and I felt teh uber groggy as hella can hella be. x_x Johnny was at the intersection when I was walking my mutts and I was all, "zomg i dont no who u r i don have glasses on lol so hay" Then I realized it was him and was all, "HAY JOHNNEH." Rofl.

Ugh, I feel I've been on teh cloud nine as of late. Just in this uber good mood. Things are still uber between Tory and I - we spent some 34 MS Paint hours in Wally World, I bought four albulms, aaand yeah. ROFL. I basically forced Tor Tor to browse the Barbie doll section with me. I think even I could feel how small his penis was getting while I was trying to pick out a doll, "HAY, wot do you think of this 'uhn??" "omg i dunno... lol *wants to get out of here face*" Rofl.

Ugh. I was in a good mood yesterday. And I had this urge to call Steven. I was thinking about him and felt like I wanted to talk to him. To see how things are going in his life, considering how things seemed to be going so awesome last time I ran into him. Bleh. Talk about a conversation gone wrong. ._.

But what's scary is that I talked to Dawid about it. And he feels really freaked out by the fact that Steven is so much like him. Because he basically found himself in a lot of "Streven situations." Rofl, He even wanted to email him and be our moderator??? XD What a fag, Rofl. However, what he did tell me made sense. Because I spilled all this shit to him. And just as I had expected, Dawid felt, well... that Steven is looking for closure. And right now, he is looking for something external to hate. I guess you could say. I could kinda believe it.. ._. Considering how he takes in all the bullshittery that everyone feeds him. And since our conversation ended on a sour note... well, I feel like I screwed up a "balance" that we had, as temporarily as it may be. So from here on out, I am going to stick with our plan and not communicate with him until December. Which sounds like the better plan. I guess we'll see how things are till then.

WELL, aside from that shizzle, omg, Tory let me practice his car, too. ROFL. It was so much fun! ^_^!! Now I'll get a second opinion to help me get my license sooner. ROFL. Yeah. I really, really want my license. /pout ._.

Omg, also, a new sketch. :O!!!!


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v246/Yanxie/Sketches/care_e2.png

So proud of it. Finally got out of my artistic block, Rofl. SO HAPPEH. DDDDD: (And very much of Dawid's convincing of how my sketches are not poopy.) :P;;

Well, I just got home today. I actually had it good. ^_^ Woke up in a good mood, got on the interweb for a bit and tried to start up my Xanga entry for the day, until the fucker gave me five across the eyes - VIRTUALLY. :O So I got rather peeved. But I don't really mind retyping it. I guess because it's worth doing so.

So, yeah... Lindsrey came with mom and I to the mall to get Heather her birthday gifties. When we finished browsing FYE, we were sitting on one the benches and I was being random and talking about "Sweet Dreams" playing, I suddenly have Linds jabbing me and telling me to look - and there I see Steven standing there, looking at us. I didn't know if he was going to pout and leave, or actually come over to us. Which he did... and it felt awkward. We just sat there, me with my nervous laughter with my sketchbook and pen in hands trying to ink a dern picture. But I just had to get up... and hug him. Skinny as a rail as usual. It felt nice. I missed holding him in my arms. And for once it felt like we were at equilibrium. Like he didn't mind it at all. He was reluctant for a few seconds, but returned the hug. Then we talked... said he met a girl named Sarah who took him to NewBies (New Beginnings - gay dance club, ROFL.) He seemed real happy to have met someone new. I'm happy for him. Yet at the same time, I felt a bit of envy that he found someone that he actually met and feels connected to. I could tell things were going good in his life. I  hope it stays that way. ...I want my old best friend back. So we talked and I told him of a friend of mine who would let me be his inker (that if, I ace'd the lines. XP) What made me feel real good, was the fact that Steven responded with his mellow smile, saying, "I taught you how to ink. I'm proud of you." ...

And anyway, back to how this journal was originally  meant to be written, ROFL.

Somehow these past couple of days for me has been invigorating. Emotionally, anyway. And especially since it feels like it's one of those situations where I insert an analogy with something about God pwning me because I can't get everything that I want. As I type this entry, it feels almost nerve racking. ...Because I know it's going to be read. Often times I wonder where should the line be drawn between infatuation and real feelings of "attraction." It's like you die for that little something to grow... but then, somehow it doesn't. Like you rushed into things. Somehow I kinda feel that way with Tory. I remember I started as a crush with him. Then eventually we date, and somehow, I don't feel as much as the same. I dunno. Maybe because we started up as fuck buddies? ROFLMFAO. Ugh... What I just really want in life is to have what Steven and I had. That connection. Both that mental and physical connection that we had. Where we felt comfortable enough to do anything we felt we wanted and not feel subjected to being critiscized or let down. I could release this crazy azz fart into his room and cause him to evacuate it, and he'll still come back in and kiss my nose, and tell me how much he loves me.

...I want that.

But with who? Could I have it again? How? I feel like I have to write an essay, ROFL. QUESTION? QUESTION? QUESTION. Oh. QUESTIOn?

Ugh.

THis is going to be a retardedly long entry. But I'm going to be awesome and get straight to the point.

The past few days I've felt... as if I were in a trance. If I were to admit to anyone what I've been going through this moment, they would just say I were crazy. I told Mike about it, and he wold be my prime example. "Dating wouldn't be dating if you can't physically be together." Yes... true. Which explains why I gave up on long-distance relationships.

But I've felt amazed. Shocked, even. I dunno. It could be the infatuation speaking. But what I've been experiencing, it just... feels uncontrolably good. For the first time in a long time, I've felt excited. Nervous, even. It's that feeling that I remember... the feeling that I dire to have so badly. I could recall feeling the same way about Tory. What I ph34r most is that fact. But then I compare him to Tory and it just seems... different. Because the two are different, would that mean I could feel differently? It's just so God damn confusing that I can feels my balls shrink. ROFL.

It's that feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. One thing that impacts me is the fact that we connect. When I speak of a certain someone that I can see myself talking with for ours on end, vocally, it feels like I can connect with that person. Being as talkative as I am, I love an hours' worth of conversating to six in the morning - just talking with someone that is as interested in talking with me as I am with them. It makes me feel.. important. Enjoyable. When I talk about that... it's the feeling I get with him. Some people say, "Well, I can't talk for five hours straight - I wouldn't think of anything else to say!" True. It happens. But when you feel you can connect with someone... you could conversate for hours. Forget something to say? I would talk about how Dance Cook likes to punch babies and that subject would eventually turn into how hawt Asian cosplayers are later on. Like it's near damn impossible to think of anything not to talk about.

Okay, I'm getting of the conversating subject, ROFL. I'm just rambling, now. D:

But not only do we connect, it's like... I see myself checking off this list of things I look for in my perfect "someone." If I were a DDR machine, he would be making AA's. Sucky analogy, I know. But what would expect from a DDR whore, ROFL. Just something about him entrances me. We could talk about random shit and fall out of our chairs, and at the same time, we could talk about what's on our minds and how we feel. With some people I feel I have to be random and not so serious. With this guy, I can be both. It's like, "Okay, here's my serious face. Let's talk emo." Next minute, "Okay, check out how awesome that grasshopper is while giving birth!" It's like, we can easily stick on the same page without having to even bookmark it.

I feel I want to "explore" more of him. His interests, his dislikes, his pet peeves, his dreams. He seems like the type who would be more than willing to play 20 questions with. We share a lot of the same interests and views - I could listen to him talk about his ideas and views on things, and I could just sit there in awe; feeling as if he's just taking the words right out of my mouth. I even told him this before, "So amazing, that it's scary." When I talk with him, I feel like he's paying attention and listening to what I have to say. And vice versa. It's like, the more I learn, the more I... desire. He makes me laugh, he's intelligent; talented... Witty. Sporatic. Open-minded. Hopelessly romantic... Just so much more that's so indescribable. Just so many things that I want. What I love most about it, is the fact that we connect on this level.

Sometimes I just blame my karma. It's just too God damn unfair. It's like I can see myself with this guy. But what hurts the most is the fact that it has only been, what, some three days? And already it feels like I've known this guy for years. And it's like just now, I'm starting to feel this way about him. Just weird...

Rather than type up this entry, I could just go to my bed and curl myself in a ball and cry about how this is ungodly unfair. Because I start to miss how much I miss being in love... It's like I feel it could happen. But I'm with Tory. And I can't break it off with him for a relationship that could probably never be... it stings to feel that way. I've had so many let-downs in my long-distance relationships. They would make promises; they would make plans to move here... make plans to visit me. Even promised to send me gifts. But they never happened. And thus, explains my cynicism. But it's like I want to try something with this guy... but this is me, baracading myself just so I won't not only hurt Tory, but also suffer with another let-down.

...It just hurts so God damn much.

Already I'm afraid of admitting how I feel. Like it's too soon. Because my Spidey senses just tell me, that somehow, the feelings will just wear away because of so many factors that I want to avoid so badly... But I feel too weak to anything about it. Perhaps let time run its course?... All I know is that I might have found something in my life. But unsure as to how to put my finger on it. He's paranoid about what he tells me and how open he is about his feelings. Here I am, paranoid, that I could lose something that I've been looking for, or it could be only infatuation and just whither away and eventually we'll be at the point where it's like, "What? We were really like that? Lol. ...And who were you again?"

I think it's high time that I put those tarot cards of mine into use.

YUH. Back again. And Monday is my upcoming birthday. :O!!! zomg, I can't waits0rz. I hope it turns out good. I want to eat at O'Charley's and have them do the birthday song!! o___o Even though that's terrifying, but it's okay!

Gee whiz0rz, can't wait - it's already Friday. @3@ A friend asked me last night - 

"Friday night? But don't you have plans Friday night?"
"No... why would I?"
"Because it's Friday night. You're supposed to have planses??"

ROFL. 19 years and I still spend my time at the computer on weekend nights. I'm such a n00b! :P But I should have a license that allows me to do that. Call me a geek - but going about some ten years with the internets without the savvy lifestyle of some home coming queen, well, yeah. I'm kinda allowed to sit at home on my ass on the compy all nights. ;)

SO ANYWAY.

I really want to do more arts. I hope to do some more sometime soon. Since the weekend is coming up, and since Lindsrey asked if I wanted to come ovah tonights, it sounds like a plan. I plan on starting a group with my friend Nick. With my snazzy line arts and his random azz Flash animations, we're good to go. The hardest part is coming up with a group name. Oi, I heart Sheezy! :D!!!

Last night I also got to have this uber Skype convo with my friend Dawid from around ten to 2:30 in the AM last night, ROFL. He reminds me of the O-Zone boys, Rofl. He's so sporatic and random - it's cute! XD Especially since he's got this crazy accent going on that reminds me of Thomas Jefferson from the audio version of America the Book. ROFL. This guy I feel like I can connect with. He's hella awesome (and an awesome artist at that. *_*) I plan on inking one of his comic pages or pin-ups once he sends me the shit, ROFL. Apparently they're going to be at a high-res than the arts he posts on dA and SA. :P But I can't wait. If I'm good enough, he'll let me be an inker for his comics. :O!! I hope I suit his style. >< Times like these, I wish I were just as awesome as inking with Steven, Rofl... D:

Saturday night felt like an important night to me, even though it consisted of drama, it seemed. And at the same time... I liked it.

Steven and I had our heart-to-heart conversation. Which it was exactly - a heart-to-heart. It felt like we were revealing our hearts, sharing them with each other. As weird as that may sound. Because with conversations like that, it feels like a Pheonix Down - it revives whatever little of compassion we have left for each other. Restores us from feeling hurt about/from each other. But I only have a feeling that the foundation we rebuilt will only get torn down from the utter nonsense he constantly hears from his so-called "friends", about how he's better off without having me in his life, and how that I am the source of all his problems. That's what brings him down... that's what terrifies me; believing that he will forget me over time because of them. And we'll never be restored to what we once were. It's just everytime it feels like things are all better again, as temporary as it may be, it's just fucked up when they come in. It seems that they think they have the power to get into the situation with more than their fair share. And it's not right. ...It's not fair.

That night, we made the decision to stop communicating for a while. For his own benefit. So he can at least have some time to heal without me involved. So we decided that we can rely on letters first; taking it slow. So I told him I would send him a letter on his birthday. December 14th.

Tory and I talked a little about it when he came over that night. I remembered when he once told me that Sam and Zek were his best friends; the male and female versions (rofl). I felt a bit jealous of that. I guess because I want my "Zek." I'm happy with Tory and Lindsey. But at the same time... it feels like I have this gap. Perhaps this is the reason why I've been feeling lonely from time to time. Something tells me that I will feel complete and at content if I had Steven to fill that gap. But things like that aren't easy... it would take a long time. It just terrifies me that those douche bag friends of his will fuck up what we built and nothing will ever happen.

So since we made this "departure" of our's, I gave Steven the link to my Xanga. Depending on the shit that I put in here, I'm not entirely sure if he'll take the time to read what I have to say. And that could probably bend the rules of our "not communicating." I don't know... but I miss him already.

And to lighten the mood, you're moment of Zen:

ADVENT CHILDRENFINALLY. Music video evry1 lolz!!!11wun
Music video features music by Gackt - Last Song.

Having problems with my Advent Children music video. Stoopid thing won't play in Windows Media Player if I put it in my blog. -_- I'll link it up here after it finishes reuploading (I'm such a /b/tard for deleting it... Rofl.)

I feel like I have a massive head ache, now. Needless to say, this not involved a lot of emotional stress, a heart-to-heart conversation, and a lot of crying. I was really glad that Tory was more than willing to come to Lindsey's in the midst of the night to coax me. But I have this feeling that me and my talks of, "I hope to have a relationship with you as I did with Steven", might've put him on the edge, or something... >< But he's right - not every relationship is the same. As sad as that can be on some points. We've only been dating for about a month, but I hope it lasts at least for a long time with the both of us. Even though relationships don't last forever... You've got to at least "live in the moment."

Grandparents may come down my birthday, so Richmond plans are out... Rofl. Tell you what though - I do plan on buying my own birthday cake with a 4Chan picture on it. Maybe of the Super Saiyan Jesus or Ninjutsu Jesus. Either, or. ROFL. Raptor Jesus may take it too far, tho. Some people can easily offend from that stuff. :P I hope I do get an iPod Nano. I think Gramps is going to get that for my birthday. Those iPods are so easy to drop. :( That's how I totally pwned my last one. As hard as I tried to avoid from dropping the fucker, it always found some way to drop out of my hands. Pisses me off, ROFL. It would also be nice to get another PSP... >_< I totally fried my first one with Sprite... it was so depressing, Rofl. SIGHZ0RZ. -_- But if not the PSP, at least I'll have the Nano. I <3 portable music. :)

I think I'll also change my choice of music in here, too. Cells by the Servants has really stuck on me. O_O

Also been thinking more about my comic concept. Linds introduced me to this documentary on "parallel universes" on the Discovery Channel tonight. It definitely made my concept take a U turn. But I like it! I like the idea of it. While watching it, I suddenly found myself brainstorming, Rofl. I can't wait to spend the day typing up shit for it. :) I really hope this falls through. I feel motivated to work on this one. And once I manage to get at least one concept for each character (there's going to be lots... of the same person, ROFL), I'm going to try and whore it out on Gaia and hopefully get some fan arts and other concepts. I would love to get Steven to help me out a little... but that's a bit out of my league at the moment. >< Maybe I can get Brennan to help me out... maybe I can talk her into doing art trades, ROFL. :P

Anyway, time to crash. Over n' out. :\
And now you're moment of Zen:

http://img366.imageshack.us/img366/4292/11240394483256nb.jpg

Yeah...
Finally, it's a Friday. Well, now it's a Saturday. But I like both daiz, so it does't matter.

Mom came home Friday - got offa work, did some chores, then Tory and I went to go see the Transporter 2. That movie was hella good, but it's incomparable to Advent Chil'rens. *_* I have to post my music video of Advent Children, sometime. It turned out really good, and it's definitely my best one thus far. But like usual, Windows Media Player likes to fuck up the video/music quality. But it's arranged quite nicely.

So we got to see Transporter 2, then Tory got the uber munchies. At first we were going to try to eat at Red Lobster (I was surprised he was actually willing to go *_*), but they were closed. D: Then we tried going to Chilli's, but they were closed, too. And he wasn't in the mood for O'Charley's. lolz not many reserants r open @ 11 sum at nite. But we did go to eat at Logan's, so I was quite content with that. :) I got myself a tidy bowl of potato soup (NO MATCH FOR O'CHARLEY'S POTATO ROUNDS) and sketched a bit while we chatted. Our waitress was pretty cool, too. She wasn't that bad.

After that on the way back, we wound up passing one of Tory's friends on State Street, and she wound up following us and convinced Tory to go to a haunted house with her and her friends. @3@ Needless to say, we wound up having to wait at her house for her for about 20 minutes, watched them eat Taco Bell, watched Mr. Deeds, but no haunted house. It sucked ass. I was disappointed, since the only thing I was looking forward to was the house. >_> I feel kind of bad, though. When it comes to relationships, both people should accomodate themselves to their friends. Well, at least try. But I feel bad, as if I don't fit in, or something. I mean, it's different with like, Zek + other homies and Sam. I guess it's because I know them and they know me. With Vanessa and her major twinkle douche friend Courtney, I feel I don't belong, or something. My first impression when first meeting them was, 'these were the kinds of people that I avoided in high school.' Which is true, I did. And Courtney kind of proved my point. Vanessa doesn't seem that bad. But regardless, I still feel like I can't warm up to his other friends, or vice versa. He still has yet to get to know my other friends besides Jared and Lindsey, Rofl... I really want to go up to Richmond with him sometime and have him meet Sonya, PJ, Rich, Tim, etc.

These past couple of weeks, I've really enjoyed being around Tory a lot (in general I still do, ROFL.) I stayed the night with him last night after the movies and I can't remember when we fell asleep. Then we woke up and my mom wanted me home by ten (-___-), so we only had about an hour and a half left for cuddle time. ROFL. Today was his day off, so he's hanging out with Zek. Felt a bit of "But *I* I wanna be with Tory today... ;-; /sob", but he and Zek haven't been together lately, so I'm not letting it get to me. I feel like I steal Tory away from him sometimes. >< Feel kinda bad about it, Rofl. ._. Just hope Zek doesn't hold anything against me, Rofl. He and I also have been talking lately - he seems to be coping with his thing for his friend Kayla. Hope things work out for him. Zek's a cute d00d, he needs a lady friend. :D

ANYWAY.

I really need to stop doing these hardcore long posts.

As for other shat, as you can see, I've been (heavily) working on my Xanga layout. It's turning out pretty spiffy so far, ganking scripts and codes from left and right to better improve it and make it look better. But that's about it, Rofl.

ANyway. More on the next update. Hopefully my next entry won't be so damn long, Rofl.

PS.
zomg, I'm obsessed with Spideyman. o_o

And your moment of zen:

I think I understand why people can act the way they do sometimes when it comes to relations with other people.

I guess it all comes down to whether one is mature enough to handle a simple situation or two. The way I'm acting at the moment is childish. Few people acknowledge it when theyre childish. That's because I know I am purposely doing it. Why? In a sense I can explain it, yet at the same time, I can't. And another part of me also feels that it's not right for me to do what I'm doing, I guess. I'm in a relationship. But I think somehow it's a lot more than just random flirts and hoards of jokes.

It all comes down to the fact that I am afraid of admitting how I Feel. Possibly attention-wise. But I think it's more than that. It usually is. People have their own ways of dealing with their problems. Here with mine, I do it by blocking, silent treatments, and the deletion of phone numbers and marking them off for deletion on my friend list. I know, that won't really accomplish anything. Kind of like how this journal entry isn't accomplishing anything, since I'd like for it to be read. That maybe I could get my message across indirectly. I guess it's another strike on the list as to how girls can be so God damn confusing. We beat around the bush and don't get straight to the point. We keep you guessing. We keep you wondering and make you think we feel this certain way.

It would be so easy to just get up, send a dinky text message. But at the same time, it would feel like it's not worth it.

I think just what really bothers me, is the fact that I feel I can be dropped like a sack of potatoes so easily and forgotten all about. We all like a little attention. But for most of the time, not from just anyone. We want attention from the individuals that we specifically want it from. And I have a short list, mind you. Quite short.

As I sit here, typing this journal entry, my E-Z Mac is getting cold. But just what bothers me is what I'm having to think about at the moment. To an extent it could drive me crazy. But I think jealousy is due in part to this issue of mine. I am almost convinced that jealousy and envy is incurable. Well, at least for a long time. The only thing that can permanently cure you of it is time, I guess. And sometimes that isn't even enough.

Maybe Midol, or something.

This also brings to my attention the fact that I am several years below age compared to a few friends of mine, I guess. I know I'm immature. But at least some people find it appealing - at least acceptable. It was interesting to hear that immaturity is actually a part of my charm. I guess it brings somewhat of an essence out of me along with my unpredictable and random nature. I like the way I am. But sometimes, I just feel like stabbing at myself. Sometimes I just can't accept what I am. And at the same time, I only can accept myself, since well, it's me.

Thanks, Gackt. For letting me discover a very emo song of your's, Rofl. =/

Having a journal entry such as this is a good way to express one's emotions. Like a confessional. Because you can't confess to someone how you truly feel, your last resort would be a diary. Because then, at least you won't have to worry about feedback like a douche bag remark or a negative comment from the person you are directly writing to. So saying this is a confessional, I guess all I could say is is that I'm sorry. That maybe you'll have the friends you want and won't be so God damn immature as me. That maybe you should also party with your own crowd. I tore the invitation apart and threw it away.

Damn, this Mac is hella cold.

To this is for, you know who you are.