Well, I just got home today. I actually had it good. ^_^ Woke up in a good mood, got on the interweb for a bit and tried to start up my Xanga entry for the day, until the fucker gave me five across the eyes - VIRTUALLY. :O So I got rather peeved. But I don't really mind retyping it. I guess because it's worth doing so.

So, yeah... Lindsrey came with mom and I to the mall to get Heather her birthday gifties. When we finished browsing FYE, we were sitting on one the benches and I was being random and talking about "Sweet Dreams" playing, I suddenly have Linds jabbing me and telling me to look - and there I see Steven standing there, looking at us. I didn't know if he was going to pout and leave, or actually come over to us. Which he did... and it felt awkward. We just sat there, me with my nervous laughter with my sketchbook and pen in hands trying to ink a dern picture. But I just had to get up... and hug him. Skinny as a rail as usual. It felt nice. I missed holding him in my arms. And for once it felt like we were at equilibrium. Like he didn't mind it at all. He was reluctant for a few seconds, but returned the hug. Then we talked... said he met a girl named Sarah who took him to NewBies (New Beginnings - gay dance club, ROFL.) He seemed real happy to have met someone new. I'm happy for him. Yet at the same time, I felt a bit of envy that he found someone that he actually met and feels connected to. I could tell things were going good in his life. I  hope it stays that way. ...I want my old best friend back. So we talked and I told him of a friend of mine who would let me be his inker (that if, I ace'd the lines. XP) What made me feel real good, was the fact that Steven responded with his mellow smile, saying, "I taught you how to ink. I'm proud of you." ...

And anyway, back to how this journal was originally  meant to be written, ROFL.

Somehow these past couple of days for me has been invigorating. Emotionally, anyway. And especially since it feels like it's one of those situations where I insert an analogy with something about God pwning me because I can't get everything that I want. As I type this entry, it feels almost nerve racking. ...Because I know it's going to be read. Often times I wonder where should the line be drawn between infatuation and real feelings of "attraction." It's like you die for that little something to grow... but then, somehow it doesn't. Like you rushed into things. Somehow I kinda feel that way with Tory. I remember I started as a crush with him. Then eventually we date, and somehow, I don't feel as much as the same. I dunno. Maybe because we started up as fuck buddies? ROFLMFAO. Ugh... What I just really want in life is to have what Steven and I had. That connection. Both that mental and physical connection that we had. Where we felt comfortable enough to do anything we felt we wanted and not feel subjected to being critiscized or let down. I could release this crazy azz fart into his room and cause him to evacuate it, and he'll still come back in and kiss my nose, and tell me how much he loves me.

...I want that.

But with who? Could I have it again? How? I feel like I have to write an essay, ROFL. QUESTION? QUESTION? QUESTION. Oh. QUESTIOn?

Ugh.

THis is going to be a retardedly long entry. But I'm going to be awesome and get straight to the point.

The past few days I've felt... as if I were in a trance. If I were to admit to anyone what I've been going through this moment, they would just say I were crazy. I told Mike about it, and he wold be my prime example. "Dating wouldn't be dating if you can't physically be together." Yes... true. Which explains why I gave up on long-distance relationships.

But I've felt amazed. Shocked, even. I dunno. It could be the infatuation speaking. But what I've been experiencing, it just... feels uncontrolably good. For the first time in a long time, I've felt excited. Nervous, even. It's that feeling that I remember... the feeling that I dire to have so badly. I could recall feeling the same way about Tory. What I ph34r most is that fact. But then I compare him to Tory and it just seems... different. Because the two are different, would that mean I could feel differently? It's just so God damn confusing that I can feels my balls shrink. ROFL.

It's that feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. One thing that impacts me is the fact that we connect. When I speak of a certain someone that I can see myself talking with for ours on end, vocally, it feels like I can connect with that person. Being as talkative as I am, I love an hours' worth of conversating to six in the morning - just talking with someone that is as interested in talking with me as I am with them. It makes me feel.. important. Enjoyable. When I talk about that... it's the feeling I get with him. Some people say, "Well, I can't talk for five hours straight - I wouldn't think of anything else to say!" True. It happens. But when you feel you can connect with someone... you could conversate for hours. Forget something to say? I would talk about how Dance Cook likes to punch babies and that subject would eventually turn into how hawt Asian cosplayers are later on. Like it's near damn impossible to think of anything not to talk about.

Okay, I'm getting of the conversating subject, ROFL. I'm just rambling, now. D:

But not only do we connect, it's like... I see myself checking off this list of things I look for in my perfect "someone." If I were a DDR machine, he would be making AA's. Sucky analogy, I know. But what would expect from a DDR whore, ROFL. Just something about him entrances me. We could talk about random shit and fall out of our chairs, and at the same time, we could talk about what's on our minds and how we feel. With some people I feel I have to be random and not so serious. With this guy, I can be both. It's like, "Okay, here's my serious face. Let's talk emo." Next minute, "Okay, check out how awesome that grasshopper is while giving birth!" It's like, we can easily stick on the same page without having to even bookmark it.

I feel I want to "explore" more of him. His interests, his dislikes, his pet peeves, his dreams. He seems like the type who would be more than willing to play 20 questions with. We share a lot of the same interests and views - I could listen to him talk about his ideas and views on things, and I could just sit there in awe; feeling as if he's just taking the words right out of my mouth. I even told him this before, "So amazing, that it's scary." When I talk with him, I feel like he's paying attention and listening to what I have to say. And vice versa. It's like, the more I learn, the more I... desire. He makes me laugh, he's intelligent; talented... Witty. Sporatic. Open-minded. Hopelessly romantic... Just so much more that's so indescribable. Just so many things that I want. What I love most about it, is the fact that we connect on this level.

Sometimes I just blame my karma. It's just too God damn unfair. It's like I can see myself with this guy. But what hurts the most is the fact that it has only been, what, some three days? And already it feels like I've known this guy for years. And it's like just now, I'm starting to feel this way about him. Just weird...

Rather than type up this entry, I could just go to my bed and curl myself in a ball and cry about how this is ungodly unfair. Because I start to miss how much I miss being in love... It's like I feel it could happen. But I'm with Tory. And I can't break it off with him for a relationship that could probably never be... it stings to feel that way. I've had so many let-downs in my long-distance relationships. They would make promises; they would make plans to move here... make plans to visit me. Even promised to send me gifts. But they never happened. And thus, explains my cynicism. But it's like I want to try something with this guy... but this is me, baracading myself just so I won't not only hurt Tory, but also suffer with another let-down.

...It just hurts so God damn much.

Already I'm afraid of admitting how I feel. Like it's too soon. Because my Spidey senses just tell me, that somehow, the feelings will just wear away because of so many factors that I want to avoid so badly... But I feel too weak to anything about it. Perhaps let time run its course?... All I know is that I might have found something in my life. But unsure as to how to put my finger on it. He's paranoid about what he tells me and how open he is about his feelings. Here I am, paranoid, that I could lose something that I've been looking for, or it could be only infatuation and just whither away and eventually we'll be at the point where it's like, "What? We were really like that? Lol. ...And who were you again?"

I think it's high time that I put those tarot cards of mine into use.