Okay... I have to vent, now.
I think I'm just paranoid. Or maybe just crazy. Or just really fucking depressed, Lol. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm about to have a heart attack at any minute now, or just have a mental break down. I don't know what it is.
I feel so screwed right now. I feel like I can't be with the person that I really want to be with. And here he's going to some anime club on Saturday. Which pretty much tells me he's going to fall for the first cute, dorky, anime fangirl that he meets. And then I'll pretty much feel useless and forgotten. Often times I feel like I'm just making sacrifices for someone else other than myself. How the fuck can I be happy when I don't know how to?
I just wish he'd have more hope for me. It's been too damn long, I know this, but fuck... it's all got to come down to something. It has to have meaning. All of this shit we're dragging ourselves through has to have some kind of value you at the end of it. It can't be just this... this big "lose/lose" situation. I really want him, and I want him to be happy with me. I want us to be closer together, and I really want to be the only person in his life. But now that he's 21 and he's pretty much able to go out and drink wherever the hell he wants to, even if it be these random ass goth clubs he goes to, I'm even paranoid of the fact that he'll go fuck around with some other women.
I know it's not fair of me to talk like that, since I am already going to be with someone each night. But then again, I don't think he really looks at the deeper aspect of it. I may go to bed with the same man every night... but it doesn't exactly mean that it's him that I want to do it with. In fact, I haven't even been intimate with the guy in God knows how long, as in, putting my heart into it.
Why the hell did I get myself into this? I just want to be with him and him alone. But he pretty much doesn't care about any more. We hardly talk about anything meaningful now, he's pretty much going to his clubs, and eventually I will lose him entirely whether it be from him fucking off from me, or finding some other pretty girl that he can set his heart on. But damn, as for the latter... it really hurts to think of that. I really fucking hurts. And I nearly spill over in envy for this girl, even though she may not even exist in his life yet. Eventually he'll be with her, and not with me. He'll be happier with her, forget about me, and move on, and it will be as if we had never met each other.
I think I'm just paranoid.
I just wish I could hear him tell me that he still loves me, from the bottom of his heart, regardless of what is happening now... At least then I'd know for sure that there is still little hope, even for myself.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I find it interesting how love works, honestly.
And okay, so I lied, I guess I will be spilling my guts tonight.
I was in love with a man once, long distance, for nearly two whole years. Even though we constantly bounced off and on with each other, we both clung hard to each other in desperation. We made plans, plans that failed, yet we kept going, blindly, but knowing damn well there wasn't a future there nor here. Not any longer for either of us. It officially ended in March. Hearts were broken, lives departed, and now we speak maybe once a month or every other month. He has an amazing girlfriend now, and I think she's all that a man could ever ask for. She's absolutely brilliant, and she even makes me jealous wishing that I could be the woman that she is. I completely support them both. Most of all though, I'm glad that he's happy. I think it's beyond what words could describe.
I met someone in March; one person who finally allowed me to experience so many things that I had never experienced before. And this isn't an exaggeration. I somewhat feel that there is a part of him that has done kind of dent in my life; something that will make me remember and never forget. And it's not the virginity that I am talking about either, hah hah. It was something about his persona. The type of man that I would never consider into my most intimate life. Is it possibly that everyone in their lives have at least one person who has impacted their lives in ways that they've never expected? Or am I just crazy?
Somehow he made me believe in signs. And how things specifically happen for a reason. I rethink all of my situations and wonder "what would it be like if this happened", and so on. It probably started when the mother even briefly mentioned the idea of California. I hated it, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my friends, my loves, my relatives. But somehow my thoughts changed. I wanted to move. I wanted to get out of that town. I wanted to start something new, something fresh. And as selfish as it may sound of me, I also wanted to move for Dawid. I would be so much closer to him, and we would see each other mid-summer of 2007. Or so I thought I would. But I felt almost half of my move was mainly for him, because I loved him. Someone that I had once thought to be my soul mate without even touching each other.
I'm in California. I'm starting fresh. All of my baggage is left behind, but still the same person as I was before I left. But I manage to get a speeding ticket, and forced myself to get a job, and I met someone. While at the same time, he had moved from his hometown just an hour away for a girlfriend he had met, and to get out of the drama of his own town only to break it off with her three months prior to meeting me.
What I found funny though, was the fact that he fell for me, and I wasn't remotely attracted, hah hah. But somehow we just hung out one day, and it just clicked. It just fucking clicked. And I immediately found myself head over heels and after a drunk night of being pathetic and crying with regret for denying him, I wanted him. Bad.
That was when things ended with Dawid.
I had Jason for myself. I was all his, and he was unexpected. He smoked, he drank, he wasn't necessarily big on his wardrobe and a hella metalhead. Had an asshole attitude about him, never really opened up (unless blessed with a tall one.) He was just one of those guys that I particularly wouldn't find myself with. But there was chemistry, and somehow our opposites immediately attracted. What I also find ironic is the fact that I am a Libra and he is an Aries - each other's opposites of the zodiac, hah hah. Newayz.
He was the first one that I had made love with. It wasn't exactly a bad full of rose petals by the candlelight. But the moment in itself was special. I never thought that I would find myself with this guy when I moved here, I never figured that I would do something like this so soon. I never thought I'd find myself falling so hard for a person that I want to be with, and to have him want me too.
He's special to me. I can't even put it into words. And of all of these signs, I just find it so convenient. So am I just crazy? Or maybe I met him for a reason. We still yearn for each other. His body compliments mine so perfectly, and somehow we have those days where we just connect...
I just keep asking myself, and wondering, did I meet this man for a reason? Somehow something had led us to each for a reason. Or is it merely a matter of convenience and coincidence? Somehow I refuse to believe that.
And okay, so I lied, I guess I will be spilling my guts tonight.
I was in love with a man once, long distance, for nearly two whole years. Even though we constantly bounced off and on with each other, we both clung hard to each other in desperation. We made plans, plans that failed, yet we kept going, blindly, but knowing damn well there wasn't a future there nor here. Not any longer for either of us. It officially ended in March. Hearts were broken, lives departed, and now we speak maybe once a month or every other month. He has an amazing girlfriend now, and I think she's all that a man could ever ask for. She's absolutely brilliant, and she even makes me jealous wishing that I could be the woman that she is. I completely support them both. Most of all though, I'm glad that he's happy. I think it's beyond what words could describe.
I met someone in March; one person who finally allowed me to experience so many things that I had never experienced before. And this isn't an exaggeration. I somewhat feel that there is a part of him that has done kind of dent in my life; something that will make me remember and never forget. And it's not the virginity that I am talking about either, hah hah. It was something about his persona. The type of man that I would never consider into my most intimate life. Is it possibly that everyone in their lives have at least one person who has impacted their lives in ways that they've never expected? Or am I just crazy?
Somehow he made me believe in signs. And how things specifically happen for a reason. I rethink all of my situations and wonder "what would it be like if this happened", and so on. It probably started when the mother even briefly mentioned the idea of California. I hated it, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my friends, my loves, my relatives. But somehow my thoughts changed. I wanted to move. I wanted to get out of that town. I wanted to start something new, something fresh. And as selfish as it may sound of me, I also wanted to move for Dawid. I would be so much closer to him, and we would see each other mid-summer of 2007. Or so I thought I would. But I felt almost half of my move was mainly for him, because I loved him. Someone that I had once thought to be my soul mate without even touching each other.
I'm in California. I'm starting fresh. All of my baggage is left behind, but still the same person as I was before I left. But I manage to get a speeding ticket, and forced myself to get a job, and I met someone. While at the same time, he had moved from his hometown just an hour away for a girlfriend he had met, and to get out of the drama of his own town only to break it off with her three months prior to meeting me.
What I found funny though, was the fact that he fell for me, and I wasn't remotely attracted, hah hah. But somehow we just hung out one day, and it just clicked. It just fucking clicked. And I immediately found myself head over heels and after a drunk night of being pathetic and crying with regret for denying him, I wanted him. Bad.
That was when things ended with Dawid.
I had Jason for myself. I was all his, and he was unexpected. He smoked, he drank, he wasn't necessarily big on his wardrobe and a hella metalhead. Had an asshole attitude about him, never really opened up (unless blessed with a tall one.) He was just one of those guys that I particularly wouldn't find myself with. But there was chemistry, and somehow our opposites immediately attracted. What I also find ironic is the fact that I am a Libra and he is an Aries - each other's opposites of the zodiac, hah hah. Newayz.
He was the first one that I had made love with. It wasn't exactly a bad full of rose petals by the candlelight. But the moment in itself was special. I never thought that I would find myself with this guy when I moved here, I never figured that I would do something like this so soon. I never thought I'd find myself falling so hard for a person that I want to be with, and to have him want me too.
He's special to me. I can't even put it into words. And of all of these signs, I just find it so convenient. So am I just crazy? Or maybe I met him for a reason. We still yearn for each other. His body compliments mine so perfectly, and somehow we have those days where we just connect...
I just keep asking myself, and wondering, did I meet this man for a reason? Somehow something had led us to each for a reason. Or is it merely a matter of convenience and coincidence? Somehow I refuse to believe that.
I'm stuck, I'm out of luck
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this
We could leave, I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far, we'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete, the moon will die of shame
There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me ...
And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this
We could leave, I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far, we'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete, the moon will die of shame
There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me ...
And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me
Wow, how did Xanga suddenly get so faggy?
Anyway, that's besides the point.
Wow, I must say, it's been almost decades since I've last posted here. I've got a new journal now... but for some reason, it feels like that this is the journal that no one ever reads. No one that I know of who does, anyway. So now it kind of feels like that blog that "no one ever reads." I guess it's safe to blubber about whatever I want, who I want, when I want, and all that jazz. But tonight isn't going to be one of those nights.
Just, whoa.
Anyway, that's besides the point.
Wow, I must say, it's been almost decades since I've last posted here. I've got a new journal now... but for some reason, it feels like that this is the journal that no one ever reads. No one that I know of who does, anyway. So now it kind of feels like that blog that "no one ever reads." I guess it's safe to blubber about whatever I want, who I want, when I want, and all that jazz. But tonight isn't going to be one of those nights.
Just, whoa.
