Okay... I have to vent, now.

I think I'm just paranoid. Or maybe just crazy. Or just really fucking depressed, Lol. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm about to have a heart attack at any minute now, or just have a mental break down. I don't know what it is.

I feel so screwed right now. I feel like I can't be with the person that I really want to be with. And here he's going to some anime club on Saturday. Which pretty much tells me he's going to fall for the first cute, dorky, anime fangirl that he meets. And then I'll pretty much feel useless and forgotten. Often times I feel like I'm just making sacrifices for someone else other than myself. How the fuck can I be happy when I don't know how to?

I just wish he'd have more hope for me. It's been too damn long, I know this, but fuck... it's all got to come down to something. It has to have meaning. All of this shit we're dragging ourselves through has to have some kind of value you at the end of it. It can't be just this... this big "lose/lose" situation. I really want him, and I want him to be happy with me. I want us to be closer together, and I really want to be the only person in his life. But now that he's 21 and he's pretty much able to go out and drink wherever the hell he wants to, even if it be these random ass goth clubs he goes to, I'm even paranoid of the fact that he'll go fuck around with some other women.

I know it's not fair of me to talk like that, since I am already going to be with someone each night. But then again, I don't think he really looks at the deeper aspect of it. I may go to bed with the same man every night... but it doesn't exactly mean that it's him that I want to do it with. In fact, I haven't even been intimate with the guy in God knows how long, as in, putting my heart into it.

Why the hell did I get myself into this? I just want to be with him and him alone. But he pretty much doesn't care about any more. We hardly talk about anything meaningful now, he's pretty much going to his clubs, and eventually I will lose him entirely whether it be from him fucking off from me, or finding some other pretty girl that he can set his heart on. But damn, as for the latter... it really hurts to think of that. I really fucking hurts. And I nearly spill over in envy for this girl, even though she may not even exist in his life yet. Eventually he'll be with her, and not with me. He'll be happier with her, forget about me, and move on, and it will be as if we had never met each other.

I think I'm just paranoid.

I just wish I could hear him tell me that he still loves me, from the bottom of his heart, regardless of what is happening now... At least then I'd know for sure that there is still little hope, even for myself.