God, suddenly I'm feeling this excruciating loneliness. I feel like poop, and all weekend I just feel like I don't want to be alone. Just wish I had someone here to comfort me and be with me for a day or spend time with me or something.

I feel like I'm just at such a low right now. Just entirely lonely. I thought tonight would help if I did got to hang out with everyone tonight, but I guess not.

It's just this shit feeling I always get from time to time. Like I feel like everyone is just against me behind my back and just tell me things that I want to hear. Like as if the lot of them are better off without me (hence this emo side of myself, Rofl.)

Then I discovered that I have this whack intimidation problem of mine. I feel like with every chick I run into, that I find some sense of superiority in them, I feel very intimidated. High maintanence or not, I just have this fear. I guess that's why I tend to feel more comfortable around males than females. Because I feel intimidated. I know there's always going to be someone else who is better than me, but I'm just afraid that someone will literally feel that way, if not already by now.

It just hurts, is all... because right now I literally do feel like I'm hurting.

I find myself randomly crying, and I can't find the source of it. I guess this whole entry kind of explains it all. I just fear that people will move on - like they'll find someone better to be around with and just leave me in the dark.

I guess I should try to branch out and meet more people... now that I have my car, I can take advantage of that idea. Jared was a real cool guy to hang out with - he certainly made me smile a lot. So maybe I can hang out with him more, among others.

Mom is supposed to loan me some moneys this weekend. So when that happens, I'm filling up my gas tankage and hitting the road to JC (God knows why) or maybe even go do Shang Hai or Java Jay's again and just... do alone stuff. ROFL. Or maybe sometime soon, when I feel comfortable enough, maybe I'll even meet halfway with Sonya and PJ and stay with the one of them for the weekend.

...Or maybe I can work toward that idea to moving in with Sonya. Who knows.

Times like these, I wish Dawid were here. He's a real great friend, and I'm really excited to meet him when he's able to visit. With it him it feels like I can build the same friendship as I did with Steven... and that's something that I feel I really both need and want right now. With Dawid, I don't have to worry about being criticized, insulted, lied to, or alone... I can be myself. And regardless of the fact that he's an ocean away (as most people would think, it sounds retarded and sad in its entirety), I'm glad to at least have someone to talk to when I have problems or need help or a shoulder to mentally cry on. I know I've got friends here who are more than willing to do what Dawid can do (if not more.) But I guess it's a little different with him, even though he's just pixels and words.

Posted 12/3/2005 at 11:13 PM