Sometimes I just don't understand people.

One of these days, I think he will eventually speak what he really feels than just say what's on his mind when he's "emotional." Often times when one is emotional they say shit they don't mean.

He snapped at me because I assume how he felt and/or wanted. It was hypocritical of him to do the same to me. But only because I didn't tell him anything. I didn't want to bother telling him anything anymore. Even now, I don't think he deserves to know a damn thing. Because to him, anything that spills from my mouth are lies. So what would be the point in telling someone something if all they feel they will get are lies? Apparently he doesn't understand that fact.

He told me he wanted to be with me again if I were my "old self." I'm still my "old self", or whatever the hell side of me it is that he wants. All I know, is that he'll never get to experience it again. All he'll see is this cold-hearted bitch who could really care less as to how he situates his life and lives it.

What he doesn't know, is that I find it hard to even open up myself to him anymore. He wonders why I'm so cold to him. I gave up telling him things. I gave up telling him how I feel what I am thinking. Because for all I care, anything that comes out of my mouth is forgotten and mistrusted. So I find it utterly useless to have anything in my mind leak out to his ears.

I honestly don't see what he expects from our predicament. All I know, is that we want each other out of our lives. And that's what we'll get.

As far as I'm concerned, he can think what he wants. He asked for answers, and I gave them. And no matter what answer I gave, it was still questioned. I've basically lost hope for this guy.

I've other people who make me happy, now. I'm looking forward to meeting Dawid (I really want to ink some of his sketches @_@) and I know I'm going to have a grand time hanging out with him. Tory and I have been hanging out a hella lot lately, and it feels good to be around him again. I don't feel as much tension anymore. I've been hanging out with Jared a bit, and he's a great guy to be around with, and I've also gotten to hang out with Linds and Jared more. I even got to drag my sister with my Johnson City and it was good to hear from her that she enjoys being around me.

I kept thinking about that during my conversation with Steven. Even though I've shared so much, experienced so many firsts, and had a tremendous past with him, it seems that the only thing that links us together is the fact that we are each other's first loves. Yet it appears that we hate each other to the core. I actually want him to hate me. I guess to help him push me out of his life. Even though it's impossible to do so, but for him, it seems to be no problem trying as hard as he can.

Even though I failed with Steven and made so many mistakes, it's clear that I've also learned from them and will learn from the past. Even now, I feel regrets about the damage I've already put on Tory. Because what I've done to  him, it feels like I'm just talking out of my ass when I talk about "learning from the past." I think my main issue is the fact that I'm too much of a self-centered person. I tend to care only about myself, regardless of how other people will feel. At least I admit to that. And I know it's something that I need to fix.

I just don't want to live in a world where people feel they can't believe a word that I say. I don't want to people to distrust me. And it's something that has to be worked with over time. I believe what drew me to Steven is the fact that I had someone so close to me; who could know me inside and out - that knows that I'm not just this immature teenager who still has a few more years to adjust to. To know every aspect of me. Can tell when I'm lying and most of all - someone I feel I can entirely open up with. To where I don't have to worry about having to repeat myself just because I'm not believed, even when I'm telling the truth. That's what I'm looking for. That is what I want most. Just someone. Just one person. Just for me. And I for them.

My true happiness.