Oi.

I feel poopy like whoa at the moment. Physically, anyway. Rofl. Sore throat, period, and an icky tum tum. D:

Last night Steven called and asked me if I could take in Alex and Bailey, his cats. Apparently his mom told him at the last minute that they were all getting kicked out of their house. Shows how much decency she has.

Don't get me wrong - Betsy's awesome. I miss calling her "Big Momma." ROFL. Oi. I miss having friends' parents that I can connect with. At one point, Steven's home was like a second home to me. Argh. But having him call me last night just irked me, I guess. Everytime he randomly calls I just get this rampant pacing in the heart and I try to control myself from doing anything stupid.

I basically told him that I've given up writing him letters and won't call him anymore. I just feel its better if he's left out of my life. ...At least temporarily. But God knows how long. I'm assuming months, but those could turn into years. Sigh. With him and this new chick he's meeting and all; don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the guy that he's finally met someone new. I don't mind the fact that the two could ride off happily into that clich'e sunset. But what really bothers me is the fact that I feel he's basically "blowing me off", for lack of a better description.

I understand the obvious when it comes as to why he doesn't want to be around me, etc. But when it comes all the way down to not wanting to be around me due to "temptation" of wanting to be with me again and/or not even spending that last day with me before I leave for Richmond, then I have problems with that. Not even my last day in Bristol. Now that stings. Just a bit.

And thus, I didn't really see a point in sending him letters or calling him anymore. Sure, I could be told "it's better than nothing" and "you'll at least still be in contact one form or another", but honestly, it feels like something more than that. Yes, I'm appreciative of the fact that we'll at least still have some communication. But that's all that it will be. Communication. 

Communication.
Communication.

...I just don't know what to do anymore. For the past several weeks now, I've managed to at least try driving him out of my mind. I've come to the conclusion, that when it comes to "first loves", you don't ever stop loving them. You still feel that... "feeling" for them like no other. Like even if you manage to find "that one", you still feel like you have, I guess, two lovers at once. But not quite. Ergh. My opinion.

I've also been doing some research on soul mates and reincarnation for the concept for a comic/graphic novel I thought of. I'll explain that later. But I'm led to believe in the concept of soul mates, and possibly even reincarnation. During my researching, I came to the conclusion that Steven and I possibly "kharma soul mates." The type of soul mates who are bound together by a somewhat chaotic and dysfunctional relationship. That we won't heal and resume back onto the same track as we had once been until forgiveness is achieved, etc. Sigh. Sounds convincing enough for me...