Wow, so this makes my THIRD entry today. I really need a life. But this is the last one for the day, I promise. I was browsing through some of my older entries which seem vaguely familiar with my current predicament. I've fallen in love, out of love, become heart broken, healed, etc. I've gone through this whole process in God knows how many ways, and I keep telling myself that this is just one of those situations just like all the others. But why does it feel different? And even then, I keep telling myself that it's felt different every time. I don't know if it's because I've lost my virginity to him. And I try not to use that was my platform for all the subsequent excuses for my being so attached to him. If anything, he was just helping me get over a hump that I had just so I could be able to fuck someone that I'd really find worth doing it with. But no, I don't think the whole virginity thing is a reason. Maybe that's why I'm going to be attached to him for a hella long time, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse. I keep going through my mind like an index to find references to my past similar experiences. I remember when Tim hurt me and led me on, while he was developing feelings for Katie. And for so long I felt I couldn't do better, that I wouldn't be able to find anyone else for me. And now I feel like the same damn thing is happening again, and I don't want it. I keep convincing myself that somewhere within himself that he does want to try again, that he still does somewhat have feelings for me... But why the secrecy? Why did he lie about me picking up some chick from the airport for Expo, how come he doesn't want his friend(s) telling me what he's doing all weekend? It's such a disgusting cycle. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship any more than he is, but I still want him. Those feelings are still there. And I can't even look at any other man the same way that I look at him. I try talking to other guys, but I just can't. I can't get a hook up, I can't just DATE, etc... It's just all a big fucking mess.