So I'm beginning to think that I'm bipolar. And I have a feeling that my day-to-day actions kind of express that. Unless it's what you would call actually being human and depressed all the time. I'm thinking about just posting how I'm feeling every day. Or if anything, use this dusty journal that I have sitting in with my massive collection of manga up in my room... sounds like a good idea.

Yesterday I felt like I was in a good mood. I felt like I can do anything if I put my mind to it and I'm all stoked and excited about these goals that I have in mind; going back to school and taking my courses, improving my grades, getting a job I'll actually enjoy, (finally) getting my tax rebate in the mail, having the urge to draw again AND working on a new art style, having a coupla new friends (and boosting my self-esteem a little) and just plain going out more and everything. I think yesterday I kind of screwed up my equilibrium by breaking things off with Trevor though, because he thinks it's on some sort of permanent basis, when I merely wanted us to be separated for a while, because all we do is argue, and the fact that I don't even feel that sexually attracted to him. I guess he didn't like the combination of both so much that he felt it was necessary to tell me to "go to hell." This morning I woke up with this kind of dread, feeling like I may have made a mistake again. Trevor says just in a couple of days, even weeks, I'll come crawling back to him. Maybe he's right, I don't know. For some reason without him around, I feel like I lose all security about myself and losing just another person who was close to me. And I guess that's just another reason for me to build towards living without being a man's shadow for once and to be my own person.

So I'm not in that good mood anymore. I fear for the future. I'm afraid I'm not going to get that job because I didn't fill out my application as well as I should have. I'm afraid my classes won't work out too well for me. I'm afraid the minute I pick up a pencil my art will be shit. I'm even afraid of sitting my ass around the house and doing nothing all day long. And then it all comes down to me just deciding on, "What's the point of building towards these things when I'm just going to fail in the end?" - I guess that's what 'depression' is all about. I'm too prideful to take the time putting effort into something when I know it's just going to fuck up in the end. So I want to save myself the embarrassment, the disappointment, and the pity. Or maybe that would just make me a weak person for not trying. I always get yelled at by Jason and whoever else for not putting effort into anything or not trying. And I guess what I am mostly lacking could even be just motivation. I know I should just do it for "me" but sometimes that's not the right way to go. 

Wow, I really need some working on getting back in touch with my 'inner-self'. Because right now it's shitty, Lol.