I really fail hard when it comes to making my own entry titles. I guess I don't really feel obligated to be that damn unique. Needless to say, I've been listening to a lot of Death Cab, Circa Survive, and some Veruca Salt as of late. Maybe a dash of Tori Amos, as well. I can relate to a lot of their music and it seems like my playlists consist mostly of them. Talk about emo, Rofl.

I realized that I feel more confident when I feel more secure having someone in my life. Though I am still caught between two men, it just feels like wrong and right at the same time. Or maybe I'm just selfish and I'm keeping them around for my own gain. But I still feel like either one of them can make it to long-term future level. One of these men won't be around in five years. Question is, which one?

I've figured out what Jason wants, and what is attracted to him. He wants a girl/woman that isn't depressive, that is more optimistic than he is (given that he is a depressed guy in general.) Someone who isn't anti-social and who is out-going. Who can shoot the shit with him and have a couple of drinks while at the same time just play an entire 5+ hour session of some random online game he's playing. Maybe even someone he can trust with his sensitive heart (though I'm damn sure he wouldn't admit to having one) and someone who can make him less insecure and wanted. Though he claims to not want to have a relationship right now (even with me in particular), he feels staying single is the best route to go. If strings are not attached between us, he could easily fuck off if I broke his heart in some way. How? Because he wasn't entirely devoted to me and only me. He didn't invest himself into me and I guess if we're not in a relationship and I hurt him, the blow won't be so hard. If anything, it could work the other way around and if he got bored with me or found someone else, he wouldn't have to go through the trouble of a 'break up' or some shit. He's also well-aware that he has hurt those in his past (including myself) and he's trying hard to avoid doing so again right now. Ironically enough, I'm even afraid of the same thing. The difference between us though, is the fact that I'm willing to try and give him my all.

Things are so messed up between us. Some days I think we'll get along great and we can patch ourselves up. But there are so many factors involved that we're both too reluctant to even try to pick at them one by one. Other days I feel like he's bored and has a wandering eye. And I think bringing Alisha with him to Expo would be a prime example of that. And it hurts me to high hell and brings me to tears, but I'm still here. And I'm still left wondering why I put myself through that kind of torment. I think it's because I know what's really wrong with him and why he is the way he is. And I'm looking at that as a primary reason. Fuck, it feels like battered wife syndrome! Lol. "HE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME, BUT I KNOW HE MEANS WELL." - What I think it really could be is the whole 'bad boy' outlook of it. Jason definitely can be exciting at times, he's straight forward, knows what he wants when he wants to do it, and a lot of the time I really feel like he makes up for most of the things I lack and vice versa. I've even thought of him as my other half on so many occasions. And I guess knowing full well of both of our insecurities, and how I really would like to cure him of his, that's why I still stick with him. I know him more than what most people would know, and I feel like that's all that can really matter. I'm just glad that I know what makes him him and what exactly it is to go about fixing things. But it's hard to do that, when I am feeling just as reluctant and insecure as he is. It feels like such a vicious cycle, that I don't even know where to begin.

A lot of people wonder why I put myself through the stress, neglect, and worry over Jason. Some even say he's not good for me, and more or less a bad influence. But what people don't see is the bigger picture. As much as people would like to deny it, he has a good heart. He has a tremendous heart that wants to love and be loved just as much as anyone else. He just fails to have his priorities straight and doesn't know what to do or know what he wants. I think he's capable of doing so much, even making a girl happy and sustaining a healthy relationship.

It's just amazing how much fear and depression can paralyze someone's train of thought and feelings. It's crazy how one person could turn another so jaded and ruin their once hopeful aspect of human connections. Love is supposed to be fleeting, exciting, hopeful... not full of dread of how it could end, or worry of when it will. Sadly though, I could tell myself that and I would still have that jaded view. Aren't I such a hypocrite?