(For future reference.)

Often times I find myself thinking about him and what it was about him that was really so terrible. He's so giving and sacrificial. He goes out of his way to make others happy. Someone could throw him the worst attitude and treatment (ie, me) and he'll still grit his teeth and bear it. He isn't judgmental; he won't 'disown' me if I decided to get a job at Wal-Mart or act like I don't exist if I choose a military career path. He's defended me and took my side many times. He virtually supported me when I had quit my job, and even when I had one with shitty pay. He disliked a lot of the things I did but he still stuck through with them. He's understanding and doesn't like leaving things open-ended or unfinished. Often times when I look at him I either see a shadow of my former self; of how idealistic and optimistic I used to be. Then sometimes I'll look at him and see Steven and see all the mistakes that I made with him and think that maybe I could fix them through Trevor.

I know he's bitter and hurt right now. And he may even be jaded for God knows how long. And if he truly wants to move on and forget about me, he may try pursuing other girls. But he'll look for the qualities within them that were how I used to be when he first met me. Or, since he's really wanted it, maybe just someone to fuck around with. I honestly don't know his mindset anymore. I used to be able to read him, but now he's just kind of unpredictable.

I guess just my biggest fear with him right now is the fear of regretting how I could miss out on him. Because he has treated me better than Jason have or ever will, and he has done things for me that some people haven't, won't, or try to tolerate. But I feel like it may just be too late for us. That maybe if we really do have a time a part from one another, than slowly but surely we can rebuild whatever what was left of our former relationship. That maybe over a few months' time, we could gently start reconnecting with a simple text message, or conveniently running into each other in some place(s).

I do still love him. But I'm afraid of letting down my guard, I guess. Or maybe he's one of the few people that have made me feel the most secure around him. Or I'm just afraid that he wouldn't understand my predicament. Afraid that he will realize that he can do better than me. That he is totally incapable of loving me again. A part of me even wants to show him this entry. Perhaps even my entire blog just so he can get an insight of my weird-ass mind.

I think this is first, if not one of very few times that I've dedicated an entry to Trev.