I sit here, once planning to write a super happy entry about how wonderful my weekend had been, but now, I'm just uber depressed-feeling. And I have to get some shat out into the open, since emo kids usually post all their problems in their Live Journals and Xangas, Rofl.

Tonight I didn't do much, but watch Romey and Michelle's High School Reunion and finally logged onto my crap box since my laptop is being a peice with connecting to the interweb at the moment. Been on here for a while, talked to some people, etc. Then I talked to Li Chan about wanting to go the con and whatnot, and then it just hit me.

I don't know... am I really a bad person? :|

Because... I talk to Li Chan about maybe a hitching ride with her and the group, and she suggests talking to Blevins about it. Welp, only to find out that the fucker had blocked me. Why? I don't know. Probably because of what I did to Steven? Or because he doesn't like my mom? Or maybe because he just doesn't like me in general, like the rest of the "anime club"? Li Chan convinced me that she, Lee, Tonya, and Matt seem to be the only sane ones out of that entire group that is worth being around with/seeing. 

...Sigh.

Because now that I think about it, it's like... I'll probably never see those aforementioned people again. I probably wasn't that close to them. But... sane is good. Sane helps you sleep at night.
Sane let's you know that there are still people out there that care, regardless of who you are or what you did.

...Apparently some people don't get that.

I hate it when I am judged soley on the actions I do/did. I know, I sound like a hypocrite when I say I never do those things. Believe me, I have. And I regret doing so, because I don't do it anymore. Because the people I have done it to, well, they actually weren't that bad after all. That's what happens when people tell you shit about others, causing you to cast judgement on a specific individual. It's not pretty. And it's just not nice, Rofl.

I know Hamilton and Danielle are up in the ranks with the whole "strike against Rei." I could honestly care less about them, now. Them, and the rest of the group. It's just a whole ring of madness. And I really feel that I don't need to be around people like them. Steve asked me, "Why would you care if they talk shit about you behind your back? Why does it matter?" he's got a point. But I'm only human - I can't just ignore it. It hurts. I mean, these are the people that I used to have a such a "tightly-nit" groupie relationship with. These guys I had fun with; good times with. People that would keep me out late hours on weekends after club meets and just hang out with (those were the days.) Then I look farther back to the day, before we met that group, when it was us oldbies in the Bristol Mall; with our day-long hang outs at the mall, buying Chick-Fil-A for lunch, soda and shiz from Cookie Co. and our DDR'ing and fucking up Tilt with our uber madness. Then even further back, I remember how we would constantly go to Rob's comic book store on tourny weekends... When I was still cherishing every moment I had with Steven and just getting to know him and being with my friends that I still have to this day - those, anyway, that haven't blocked me or judged me... I wish more people were that goldnowadays. Now it feels I can't really be myself around most of my aquaintances... much less the people that I am attracted to.

Now that I think about it, it feels as if I have those already mentioned names (even though I don't see them anymore), Lindsey and Jared... my closest friends, and then friends that I want to draw closer into the Rei-Abyss; like Josh, Matt, and maybe even Tory (rofl) or any other of my recent aquaintances that I want to start something with. Linds and Jared are my only friends that I can truly be myself with... And I want to have more friends like them. I really do. And since I am no longer part of that had-been group... I feel somewhat left out. I miss the "groups" I was once in. My "DDR" group, the comic shop group, my hang-outs with Shane, Jared, and Linds... I had to say something other than "group." 

What makes me feel even worse, is that I've got plenty more close friends. But they're so God damn far away. D:< Another reason why I miss Richmond... Ugh. I have PJ, Sonya, and as much as I kind of grit my teeth saying, rofl, But then there's Tim, too. I've had a lot of history with these guys. God, I miss Richmond. And there are friends I've known for years online that I have yet to meet, like Jaron, Peter, Eric, Jason, Steve... and more, I'm sure, Lol.

aghpso;eh

Sorry for the retardedly long entry, Rofl. I just have to get out how I feel. (And yes, this is an emo post, so feel free to insult, ROFL.)

Amidst all this madness, I'm just about through with my credit recovery. I have two tests left, consisting of four questions each. THEN I AM COMPLTE. They're just too fucking hard, Rofl. ._. But it's sad to think, that credit recovery is actually my last (good) memory of school for me. Makes me wish I went through school like I do with credit recovery. Really, it's nice. I'm glad I took it.

Also put up a new layout. Thanks to Jared's layout, I found Metro, ROFL. I saw this layout and I had to have it. Just the usual, considering the hardcore anime fangoer I am, Lol. As for the musics I used to have, my host, Think-Not.com, is on a temporary, unknown hiatus at the moment. I'll have some new musics up eventually, though.

Gah, and this whole entry just has me thinking about Steven. And now whenever I think of him, I just want to shed a tear. Everytime I think about him, I just think of how badly it had gotten between us. All because of me. I may not hurt as much as he does... but God. I hurt pretty badly. I can see why I am judged the way I am with my once-group. Honestly, I would probably have a grudge myself for a long time (and now I am being contradictory, Rofl.) God... words can't explain how I feel about Steven and I miss him so. I may not feel that "mushy lovey dovey lover" shat for him like I once did... But I really do love him. He was my first love. He made a lot of things happen for me. He really made me happy. He and I have so much history than I can count. The sad thing is, I feel I am about one of the only people who know him more than anyone else does. Sure... people have probably known him longer than I have. But it doesn't stack up as well enough as to what he and I have. We may never speak or see each other for a long time. But it's that bond that I still feel between us. Others make think differently, and decide my feelings for me. But only I know how I feel. And that's all that matters. Fuck everyone else who wants to think different. They don't know me. 

I can't even express how sorry I am for what I did to him. It was a cruel and unusual punishment. It wasn't deserving. Hell, it wasn't even needed. But I am glad I broke it off between was while I could. It would have gotten a lot worse in the long run. I didn't want to lead him on anymore. This was my last straw. And I am still sour about it. I don't think anyone can love me the way Steven did. And possibly vice-versa. I know he can't read this. But gods, Steven, I love you so God damn much. It may not be now, but eventually, I want you to forgive me for what I've done to you. I just... want this never-ending battle to go away. I miss you. You accepted me for who I was, even though some of me had caused you to grit your teeth and bear it. Just thank you for putting up with my bullshittery. I just want everything to go away. I want to make you happy again, but I know I can't. Not now. And probably not ever. Just know that I can't love anyone like I've loved you.

...All and all, just thanks to those I know right now that still welcome me with open arms. That allow to take me for what I am. I don't know what I would do without any of you.