I feel as though I am incapable of having relationships because when I think of myself before I moved out here, I was perfectly CAPABLE of having them. Now I'm some paranoid fuck who freaks out the minute she feels unwanted, unloved, or uncared for. And it really sucks because it puts a detriment on not only myself, but the people around me. And it seems like the only way for me to get out of my "love slump" is to just act like I don't care. To just not give a shit. But that's not me. That's not me, at all. And I guess that's why I have a habit of always voicing everything I feel, rather than just keeping it bottled up. If I keep things bottled up, I feel worse. And I hate that feeling.

 I often feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship at all. I think of myself before I even get into one and how I react with the people around me. I just don't care what they think. I actually make an attempt to be happy, and just be myself, and it seems to be working pretty well so far. I feel confident when I'm by myself. I feel like I have no one that I'll have to hone up to, and not worry if I get ditched because of how I am, or heartbroken because I'm not so interesting anymore, or used as some sort of safety net because I'm this weird, idealistic view of this imperfect girlfriend that people seem to be drawn to. Because instead, I've only got my friends to rely on, and I know that they'll be sticking around, regardless of my imperfections, flaws, and insecurities. Because they'll be there. They'll talk me through these things. They'll make me feel better about myself, and I don't have to worry if I am a hinderance because I bitch and moan about the same things.

 But I noticed that I'm not longer that decently confident girl, or that girl that just doesn't care about the people around her when I am in a relationship. I'm not the same person that had drawn that one person in the beginning. I freak out, I begin to realize all my flaws all over again, whether it be in a new light, and I get scared. Scared that I'll be abandoned because of my weaknesses and fears. Ditched because there was someone who had the traits that I don't, or lack thereof. Or anything of that nature.

 Then all these fears begin to make me form the relationship between having a friend and a boyfriend. Friends will always be there. Relationships come and go. How nice it would be able to even have a boyfriend that will actually stick around as a friend would. That would be there through all my fears and eventually make me feel like that confident self again to where I can stay the way I was before.

 But I think that would just open up some paranormal vortex.

Is there something wrong with me? Did my previous relationship really destroy who I used to be? Or maybe I'm just so God damn picky about how I want my relationships to be, that I am constantly unsatisfied because I have such high expectations?


I have this damn near perfect man in my life and all I do is mope because of the little things I wish he did or didn't do. I used to know how he exactly felt about me in the beginning when we were together, but now I don't know anymore because I know he often questions my feelings for him, much less what kind of person I am. Because I didn't turn out what he expected me to be. I mean, doesn't this shit lead to break-ups?


I wish I had some sort of direction to put me back where I once was. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fun chick to be around, I'm lovable, and I care for anyone that means a lot to me in my life; not to mention I'm just an average, artistic gamer geek with a love of animu. But there's so much more to me than that. I don't want my interests to define me as a person. I want my personality to define me, as well. But I fear that sometimes my personality isn't always what people like to be around.


I wish there was a strategy guide on this bullshit!