God, things have been so fucked lately. I don't even know what to do or believe any longer. So much for my Richmond stay for a week. It was totaled by torment that had gradually built up.

Ever since I left, I've contemplated on what I should do. Tim expects me to just move on; to just forget about him, in hopes of me maturing within the next year or so. I guess that leaves him enough time to just forget about me and find someone else. Which supposedly seems to be the case. Aside from his own life being fucked from his home life, job, and car, etc. And to only realize that I've just been thinking about myself through this whole situation. Time will heal. But it will also change. A lot.

I haven't cried at all, thankfully, during this whole situation. Which I'm glad for, because that would the last thing I would want - to just cry, and cry, and cry. I guess I see no point in it. Maybe it's the first step to maturity? 

This seems to be some stupid soap opera. Girl loves boy, boy feels odd, other girl feels the same, bets $100 that she'll get him before the other girl does and pisses the chick off. ROFL, Omg, that's so confusing. O_O; My problem is that I doubt I'll find anyone else. Within the next year? I doubt it. The one I've wanted, to give me another chance, deems insignificant. Like it'll never happen. I said I would wait - but to only wait when there is another who feels the same as I do? God, and he's still holding last year against me, which I am not even about to get into. Lindsey thinks he's stupid for doing so, since he brings it up from time to time. 

I feel like I'll never get that chance. To let him trust me again, now that we've completed that final predicament we went through no little than a year ago. He told me to forget about him and to go on with life; concentrate on school and get jobs, and get a car. 

And then see about coming back in a year.

Because he is so messed up right now, he doesn't have time for a relationship. And the fact of the matter is, is that I'm apparently too immature, like a kid in a candy store. That I can't decide what I want. The last I saw him, we talked. And it ended up in him telling me only what I wanted to hear. Not what I needed to hear. Which pisses me off, because it leads me on and even brings up my hopes the slightest, although I've convinced myself not to do that anymore. It seemed as if the whole conversation was a lie. 

If he no longer feels the same; if he no longer wants to try, to even give me one more chance and tell me that, well, the one year wait is pointless, then... I wish he would just say so. And not keep it hidden. I'm crazy about this guy, but if he were to just tell me that rather than leading me on rather than telling me the complete TRUTH... it would only hurt more to find out later on.

The same thing is happening, but only to me this time. I'll just have to forget him, as he suggested. And do the same that he did about me after the incident with Steven. It's probably going to be as hard as it was for him. But eventually, I'll forget and go on. But I know it will all come back to me when I return to Richmond. But in order to forget, I want to cut off all communication to Richmond. This makes PJ mad, but, it would just... ease the pain, I suppose.

I just want to forget it all, it all.